normally i am good about maintaining my weight and exercising and not eating candy and not spending abhorrent amounts of money and lately i've been doing it because fuck it i have just one life and this life is pitiful and awful.
anyway downloaded a diet app but fuck it im not going on a diet im not getting laid no diet fuck it all to hell

I only kiss and fuck boys that i know and to an extent love and embrace. If I didn't love them I said no. If I didnt say no then it was rape. I think happiness is incredibly rare so I seek it 24-7, but really most people have no idea how to get happiness and I am always laughing at them.
1. You MUST work hard to be happy. Working curbs anxiety and boredom, makes you feel glad like you're going towards a goal. It is necessary to work your ass off to balance out the lazy moments. You cannot enjoy sleeping, bathing, watching TV, getting stoned...you cannot truly enjoy those things without breaking a sweat first. Why do you think videogames are so fun? It is work disguised as play. But really? men are so lazy they can only have it disguised. Every man i've met will go to a lazy grocery store jimmy johns esque job or maybe some full-time job and say WOW THAT IS JUST SO MUCH WORK AM I DONE ALREADY? No! Embrace work! Read, learn, write, open doors for yourself other people are too lazy to open and BECOME SOMETHING.
2. You must embrace everything. Are you proud that you hate football? Guess what you're missing out on. I can't even begin to elaborate because my love is deep! What music do you listen to? Listen to something else! You hate your girlfriends music...instead of forcing her to change, try it! Whenever i date someone i lodge myself on them like a sponge. Yes, make me a mix. Yes let's watch your show tonight. Yes you like this restaurant, let's go!
3. Learn when to say no. Stop eating before you're full. Stop drinking before you get the spins. This seems easy but it is incredibly hard. Men love to over excess with good things. But you'll never appreciate a good blunt if you've already had 3 earlier that day. Soak in the pain and then dab on just the right amount of pleasure.

C'mon people!

had a dream about robert and i found his place in iowa city. he was with a roommate named robbie who was a different person that i had started to consider the idea of dating. robbie did not have a face. he represented future loves. i hung out with robert all afternoon and day and i edited him to be good robert. when robert is good, he is happy and he is not cynical or saying mean things or bringing me down or arguing with me or doing that weird brooding thing where he is silent and kind of scary and you don't know what is on his mind and you don't want to. we had fun and he had his dry humor going and i wanted to fuck really bad and i wanted him to give me head because he is the only one who can and he said we can't because robbie is in the other room. and robbie had no face.

i can't really type normal right now. one pinky is wrapped up in a cast thing and the other one i partially severed a tendon and it hurts oh it hurts when i put pressure on it. i know that lots of things are bad on the planet right now so i get really honest to god upset when i see commercials of young people wearing fashionable clothes and going to taco bell and parties and it's like hello this country is in a complete recession the only way a young person could have well dressed fun like that is if they had rich parents. having a shitty cat is totally okay. think about it. shitty cat will hide under the bed all the time and what you just feed it and sometimes it scares you when you accidentally step on it at night? that is not that bad. having a shitty dog would be like having a son that did meth and would never leave your house. i just could not take it. shitty dogs are the worst worst worst worst. when i go to peoples houses and they even have a mediocre dog, i get depressed. i would only want the best dog or no dog at all.
why the fuck do people want to be british? its like yo i want to eat crappy food all the time and watch soccer? just be canadian instead. at least they have the CFL..............okay that would be way worse. but maybe you will see liberty or j.t. on the street and smoke some legal joints with them. ya catch my drift?
i don't think it is possible to find a good mate for elyse. i have come to terms with this. i am a huge romantic but it is starting to dull away. i take what love i can get and it is in pieces because big love for me is impossible. i get close but no cigar. luis is someone i am in love with but he will never read books or go to college and he is okay with a standard of living that means 30 dollars in his bank account and no trash can to throw things away in. so i am thinking that if we got married i would end up poor and pregnant and most of all super sad which is honestly the future in envision with any man because for christs sake they are all the same.
i wish eric was a better friend. i wish he would stand up for me. i wish he would be like fuck you to people who are mean to me but he is such a lilly livered coward that i can't even fucking believe it. i really can't! augh, i would like make huge sacrifices for that guy but i feel like he would never like defend me in private.
i am always honest and when people make me nervous i get more honest and i tell them too much. when i get REALLY nervous i pick my nose. i can't help it. i need to learn how to lie to people more than i do. like, you have to believe in something to lie about it i.e. i need to believe in myself more so i can tell the truth and not feel like i'm lying if i'm lying. does that make sense?
ow ow ow ow ow. there are so many feelings i want to get out but i destroyed my hands!!! it was like i said, elyse, fuck you, take some medicine. now i cannot have fun and type and play videogames like i used to. ow ow ow ow ow i have to stop, fuck.

I had such a great time with sam and josh last night it was really wonderful. it's been a rough as year and rough times and i felt really good. also i spent a dollar and i got to watch two bros in suits dance gangham style for me. my life is complete(y awesome)!

dreamt about moving to iowa city. some dreams are too beautiful for words.

you don't need to see cloud atlas

Best sleep I've had for days!

Grandpa died about a half hour ago.

I had a dream last night where I was in a room and all these people were filtering in and Robert was there and he told me about his day and it was exactly in Robertesque form and when he was done he fell asleep and I laid in his arms and it felt safe because now I know who the real devil is.