January 2, 2013

• oh my god

  So I had a really bad new years and I needed to make up for it the next day when I had the day off. I woke up in an utter mess just wanting to die and then I tried to get up but I couldn't stop listening to music. (p.s. I haven't touched cloud atlas yet still for fear that it is just as bad as the last time I opened it). I am seriously in peril here. David called me to tell me that life was wonderful and I told him that I didn't feel that way and I cried on the phone while listening to him walk along the beach. Jesus christ. I got up and took a shower and then cried in the shower and I think my neighbors heard me. I paid my bills that I have so far (tried to set up my best buy account but I haven't gotten my card yet) and then Deloney called and said let's go to qdoba and I said let's go to Jimmy John's and we went there instead. We talked about music and his rap career and everything and then we went to a gay bar in the grove because all the bars in that area are gay bars. What would I know? And I told him that I don't trust people and I don't like opening up to people because people treat me like I'm a plate of french fries half the time. I told him that I didn't trust anybody because almost everyone is just trying to get their dick wet with me and then most girls talk to me like I'm some kind of competition-which is why I keep to myself and have very few friends. He did not understand this and proceeded to make out with me. I felt queasy and I was INCREDIBLY pissed off because I had to pay for everything this night too. I totally think he has a legit dream and a rap career and is a good father and is trying to make things right-but too be honest he ordered drinks for us while I was in the bathroom and had no say in it and I ended up spending a shit ton of money last night! Also, I am tired of his ruthless pursuing. I am not a goddamn item in the fucking UFO catcher that everybody is trying to get. But I melted when he said he thought I was cool in high school because from what I've been taught I was the world's biggest piece of shit in high school. I told him about how carly cut herself and told everybody I was the reason she did it because I was dating her ex-boyfriend and I wasted all this guilt on her as she tried to play me like a cheap acoustic guitar. I am still unsure if she had intentions of killing me off the time she invited me over to do keyboard cleaner...then I told him about Maddie and how I was in love/still in love with Maddie and I desired her friendship greatly but she led me around on a leash like I was a goddamn dachshund with a moldy green ear. I told him about Eric, how I loved and trusted eric's friendship for year after year after year and how he started to make my life a living hell and then I found out I was just another vagina hole to him christ almighty I guess I had earned that. I almost cried at the bar when he told me he was struggling with his Dad and then I still got the privilege of paying for everything with the exception of his jimmy john's sandwich and a few quarters towards a pool game. I might have possibly been so wasted that I actually won at pool last night. Shocking, I know. I saw the neighbor kid flirting like a twitterpated rabbit with some gal and racing across the street with her I could care less. And at this point I am royally wasted. I put on my ipod from sophomore year of high school, I danced around and drank beers and prepared for smoking a cigarette outside. I put on red lipstick. I began to drunk text people which is awful. I drunk texted Chance...I can't even believe it. I told him where I live! I am truly scared of that dude a little bit but my desire for company is starting to melt my fear which is bad bad bad. I hate St. Louis. Why does this have to be the city my parents are living in. I'm pretty sure they don't even like it. Anyway....I finally got a hold of David and he was at his apartment settling in for the night and we talked about sex for a huge portion of the conversation and then we also talked about our emotional feelings. I have no idea. It was a great talk. We talked about Japanese porn and he kept telling me about what a great voice I had so maybe it's true. I think he's only being sweet on me right now because he's jealous that I spent the whole day on a date. Which means I need to go out on more dates and get more of a social life. FUCK. I wish I was in Iowa City. If I was in Iowa City I would be sleeping with Robert. Seriously. I am not kidding. I almost want to go back there so I can get back together with him. I honestly don't want to get with anyone in a new relationship. They are too scary. Robert and I were together for fucking so long. I was going to work out today and make myself look pretty but instead I wrote this xanga entry. I am a fucking idiot. Do I really have to work today? If I don't get some writing done during this shift I'll off myself. I keep making jokes about how I'm going to kill myself. I find it enjoyable. This entry makes me seem like a selfish cunt. But what would I be if I weren't that? Right now, I'm completely trapped in a spider web. My best friends are in Michigan, Barrow, Tampa Bay, Iowa City, West County, Denver, and Sakae. And this place is just covered with land mines. My favorite thing to do nowadays is to look at Ford's fb posts where he brags about going to france and italy and his girlfriend because I feel like he is empty inside just like me. I brag about shit all the time when I'm empty. What could be a good filler? Icing? That white stuff in the middle of the long john? I remember a rainy day when I came inside to get my bowl of thai noodles and dipped them in the spicy sauce and veggies and I tasted the ghost noodles and I had my backpack with me. I remember the day when it was barreling down snow and I had to present that evening and I remember David being there but not being there. I remember running around in a graveyard naked on a cold night and feeling incredibly free. I remember walking in the woods with Mirri and being jealous of her and respecting her and hoping she honestly regarded me as a friend. 
  While Brandon and I were sitting at the bar he asked me "What was your favorite memory of high school?"
  And I said none. None at all. I don't have a single good memory from that place no matter how hard I try to think of one.

  • 3:09 pm
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