sometimes i forget how utterly little it takes me to be happy.
all i need is a cat, a tiny tiny apartment to myself (like a tiny japanese apartment...I hate to say it but those places make me so happy and warm) my books, my computer (so I can check the weather, ims from Carly and Sam and Paul), bed, allergenic pillow, ipods and loads and loads of pairs of tights and socks. and most importantly-butter, milk, apples, frosted flakes and character noodles.

I love staying up late and watching movies. I'm so lucky I have neighbors like the ones I have. The internet went out so I snuck over and we talked and watched Tim & Eric and snow was caking the tops of our apartments.

I hate when a person near me is feeling down.
A darker person.
I love getting covered in mud but I never want to keep it on all day and night and day and night, you know?
There's something so lovely about just taking a shower once in a while.

The worst feeling in the world is when you have sex with someone and they come inside of you and you have to walk around all day smelling it between your legs and wishing you felt nothing there.
It's like
Having wet feet on a rainy day because you stepped outside and didn't have good shoes.
And they stay wet...cold icky rain wet...all day.

Or like having to eat something gross...like cooked spinach or cooked carrots or porkchops and rice and you can still smell it on your tongue and feel it in your teeth and after you brush its still there except now its just got a minty side to it.


Or when I say something embarrassing or mean and it just lays around in my head nestling into the sofa of my brain and twisting and turning and no matter how many sweet things I do I can't get it out!

It's so nice to curl up next to you. I like that your body is bigger and I don't feel any ribs poking me. I like everything about you. I like your feet.

I love being a grownup. I am old enough to drink in front of everybody. I can drink in front of a policeman and he won't get mad (unless I'm driving or skateboarding I guess). I love that I can come back to my own room in my own place and type these words for you.

I have so much to do
but its alright-im so content~

I don't ever get to sit and mull around in my own head. All I can think about is long lists of things I gotta do and stuff I'm not doing that I should be doing. I don't want to think about that.
I don't want to think about my future anymore (my heavy hatred of school and of the prospect of grad school...knowing I need to start earning money sometime)
or my past (all of the men I have been with who appear like ghosts who I, of course, don't really care to see.)

My head is still ringing and my chemicals feel all mixed up.

Ugh, I dunno.