August 27, 2018

  • scars and tiger stripes

    they say to stop and write when you get older, to tap your keys to the sound of the current and that itll all get better. I am here to disagree. My writing in the past was much bolder and richer than the sounds that I tap out now. I'm a lost fox in the woods when it comes to this. A babe pushed from its stroller. I can barely type because of these monstrous fake nails glued to my real cartilitgen. I can't spell worth shit. My college learnings all down the drain. I'm a space monkey only good for smoking weed and staying high in the elements. The cruelty of putting down animals made short in a sweetened down video format. No one will see their death but the assumption is the meat your putting on my plate is quite fresh with blood still streaming down its veins. A moment for a dead goose I suppose. We're all reduced to silence. I have to remove these fake nails if it means ripping them off one by one. In the moment I have covered my face in a green minty cool mask in hopes that it'll make my face fresh and clear to put dabs of makeup on. I'm hungry but I'm not sure why as I have just woken up. Ah the shower is open. I shall become pure.

November 13, 2014

  • I woke up and I can't sleep. I feel like a yellow lilly livered coward. Like cmon girl host yourself up by your bootstraps and crawl forward. It's not that hard to move on in a life. Who is stunting you? It's you right? No other explanation. It's easier to just not live and not love and let the world crumble around you while you remain a stone. It's so much easier. There were droplets of snow today flaking off of the sky. I got up very late in the afternoon merely to get a selfish haircut. The woman who cut my hair told me stories about her sisters and her trip to colorado. I'm so glad she cut my hair. So glad to get it done. I don't feel like a scraggle puss no more. Walking into the gray, watching the cloud dandruff flake off. There's Nothing like going to a warm bar when it's just starting to get cold. You wonder if the bar is warm because it is filled with bodies. The same goes for the mystery...every time I lie down in my bed it is unusually warm. Perhaps because I always go to sleep drunk. I've been drinking far too much these past two weeks. Like Elyse get it together. Quit this cowardly shit.

November 12, 2014

  • My teeth are gross little squares of yellow and I can smell my rotting breath and my cat is howling howling howling "ELYSE PAY ATTENTION TO ME" but really honestly honestly I had to stay in bed because I am forcing myself to do it and forcing myself to enjoy myself and enjoy the pay off.
    What do I mean by that? I mean, I worked my ass off yesterday and one of the hardest things I've ever done. I took time out of every other event in my life. I put the kaboodle on. I did NOT go to class today, and that is one of several responsibilities that I'm willing to forgo for the sake of this piece I'm working on. I mean, I'm just totally all there.
    I called the person at the buzz to schedule a haircut for today because I just can't stand it anymore. I am so sick of suffering with a bad haircut when I love the texture of my bleached hair. It really is a wonderful thing-hair bleaching. I mean that is a wonderful thing for white people. White people have been using the trend of natural flowing long hair forever when its like-they strictly are the people that have it. And ya know, it's really good to have a trend that isn't so restrictive. The ONLY Thing I'm not okay with is Lena Dunham. Like, 6 months after I bleached the shit outta my hair and she's crawling around with bleached fucking hair now like shit. I can't stand that woman and hating her has become a ripe strawberry treat. There is nothing more fun than watching her trip all over herself. Even the Christians are calling her out, and in a way that fucking liberals are siding with them. You really can't get any worse than that, can you, being called out by the God Church people. And in a proper way!
    Her sister is supposedly laughing at the whole thing to, which seriously makes me sick inside. I had a thing for her sister and now i feel it waning. It would be SO much sexier if [her sister] was like "fuck lena dunham yeah she did sexually harass me and out me against my will" it would be SO much sexier. I have no problem calling my sisters out they ain't no fucking saints. They're my fucking sisters. What is she going to do to you if you call her out? Leave you? She's your own flesh and blood. Jesus christ.

January 5, 2014

  • I want to do some weird drugs today and feel weird. I started downloading "the bridge on the river kwai" last night. I think I need to start watching old creature horror films for inspiration. I can't believe how much of a baby I am when I don't have a laptop like the whole world's gonna end if I don't have my computer all full of songs and writings and pictures and  movies I can watch it really is my whole life on here. I think that it's ridiculous that it is cold outside I never ordered this weather. I like reading good comics and bad comics because I really think the best form of media is comics. People underestimate images and the way something looks but really looking beautiful and gorgeous is the only way to fluidly move about this planet like a long snake.

January 3, 2014

  • Iowa City couldn't have turned out to be worse place than it came to be. Everything was going good until I was assaulted. The boy who stayed over one night came back and scared me and I told everyone about it and everybody thinks I'm a liar bad person and nobody wants anything to do with me. I moved to this town so I could have friends and work on my stuff and now I'm just friendless and I have nothing. Except for Joe. So I ended up being the loser who only has a boyfriend and that's it. I don't belong anywhere and maybe not on this earth. I should really be dead.

October 5, 2013

  • Iowa City October

    It's the opposite of what I was doing last year in a way that makes me question a lot of things about myself and where I'm headed. I really do think you can make your life better and keep moving upwards but after years of dancing sideways like a crab I wasn't sure about the whole thing myself. I didn't think I was capable of a single power, either, but I merely wanted to have the courage that I talked about. I told my friend to move to LA and I encouraged my therapist to uproot and now she's in Austin. A tripod of people dancing off in different directions.

    My roommate and I got drunk together on thursday night and we talked about Brennan and we talked about masturbation and there is a sports bar next to the railroad tracks that plays cardinals games. I drank a lot and he drank and we went to a show and watched Joe Huermann play and it was good and then he electrocuted himself so that was no good. I forgot that before that my roommie asked me to be in a band and he got me free food at the hamburg I was so happy so hungry so happy. And I laid on the couch and met a new cat and a kid named andy who has met me several times before? And we saw a punk band and the lead cut up his shirt and bled and smashed joe milik's favorite mug and joe is out of town so everybody got furious and came outside and talked about how they were gonna confront him and cooper wanted to fight him so I told cooper it was time to go. Then we went to Kyles and I looked at his books and met a guy who was naked under a thin sheet and kyle gave us a ride back which was sweet.
    I'm horribly smitten with brennan worst than it has been with any other human being I don't really know what to do about it. Last night he texted me and I met him at gaslight and we played a game where you are given a phrase and then you put down a card that fills in the blank and then you rank whose is best. And the last card I got said "what will get you laid" and he put down "my soul" and it was the sweetest little doggy thing I don't even know what to think. then we went back to his room and it is full of cats and rocks and he is the sweetest person I've ever met so we kissed and had bloody sex at his insistence and then I woke up with him and I saw Adam and Kyle in the morning and Coop again I am living in a city that is flooded in love with the best people on the planet and I am the luckiest girl.

September 25, 2013

  • I can no longer add what I'm listening too?

    Shouldn't I have a right to do that?
    I can't remember a moment from yesterday except that I got dressed up all pretty and went to a show of haunted bands and haunted bands only. Circuit Des Yeux and Spires that in the Sunset Rise and Kyle's band and it was very chilly and I saw two black cats that night and drank a chai tea at some point as well as cranberry juice. Then we had to sneak out. I have great friends. Playing games with napkins on the table. Another two cats trapped in a bicycle store. Teasing them. Teasing you about where we were going. And then come back home and more friends. Friends everywhere. I am so lucky .
    I never have sex with a boy I really like. Like not, pretending to like-as per usual.

September 20, 2013

  • exceptember

    When a girl masturbates it is equivalent to meditation. It is a good way to open you up to things especially when you are always feeling closed. It forces you to focus and find the heart beat that should lie at the basis of every day.
    I was lucky yesterday because I was given the opportunity to nap and that in itself is quite a lucky thing. Of course, I shouldn’t have been napping because I was supposed to be training this girl. She was tough like thick rich bark none of that dry crackly bullshit. She wanted to prove that everything was under control. That’s fine, I thought. That meant that I got to sleep.
    Would it be a vile thing to write my second novel in 1st person? It’s so much easier. I must not do it because the third will be in that form.
    The girl was on the phone the whole shift and called her friend to bring her food. It was odd. I spent most of the shift in pain and discomfort, looking for a way out. I sketched the outline of a comic and slept and blogged. If I had been alone I would’ve read and listened to music.
    When the person with the closing shift arrived it was a boy with glasses and I thought lucky me. I showed him my comic and he said “this looks like the day I had” and I didn’t really catch on that he was trying to tell me something else. Then he told me to check out all this white boy rap music as I feigned interest in hopes for free parking.
    When I left the main office I had to walk out in the pouring rain and guard my poor sketchbook as best I could. My half-eaten moccasins soaked up the rain and I was in the dark alone and feeling ecstatic. I made my way to the garage where I had Parked and couldn’t find my vehicle. It took a while because I had lost my sense or direction but I managed to eventually come across it.
    I drove Off and picked up my things and felt the relief that only a scared girl can feel. You will never understand it otherwise. It was the feeling of not owing something or being indebted or stuck, with your hair being pulled back as you grit your teeth and plow forward. I screamed into the night because I felt so utterly free.
    My roommate likes me and spends time with me and talks to me candidly about things occasionally and it is such a lovely honor. I soak up every part of this city like a bird taking a dust bath on the vast sands of a beach. Last night I took my medicine and felt incredible but took great pains to lay down properly. I watched the season premiere of ‘New Girl’ and let me tell you that show is gorgeous and funny and utterly perfect and I could not stop laughing. I was quite hungry because I had smoked and been busy all day so I went to my room miserable after a light easy meal and cooper said he was going to mcdonalds so I gave him money for fries and it was such a great decision. I watched girls and ate fries and fell asleep early at 11:30 or 12 and then at 3 am was wakened to the noise of neighbors outside which was quite loud. It sounded as thought they were in my room.

    I’d feel lucky but part of me knows I built all of this myself on my own tiger strength. In the meantime, I try not to think about Sam rotting away into chunks of meat with no direction, no desire, and no drive to find balance for himself-listening to the same few songs over and over again looking for answers in the cowardice of pure fear. Cooper told me he isn’t as close to some of his best friends anymore…most of the people I’m close to are still relatively new in my life. Maybe it’s just time for new best friends.

September 11, 2013

  • Several things have happened

    and I will attempt to document them.
    I am grossed out right now, with my body and what I'm wearing. The apartment is disgusting. My cat walks around the carpet and it smells like litter. I still need to clean the litter box. I am making thai coconut soup for myself. I have spent all my time yesterday sleeping. Then I woke up and cooked for myself and took a shower and went to sleep. I am still grotesque. I feel gross when I eat the popcorn and I don't know why.

    I went out a week ago and slept with someone I did not know. I was at a Matrix themed party and hardly anyone was dressed up. I bought alcohol for underage kids and talked with other underage kids. I hadn't quite gotten sick yet, but I was so close. I drank rose wine out of a bottle and I sat down next to Robert's friends and they told me that I was someone good to be around, though a prude. (I was at the time.) But now I have tattoos and I am cool, apparently. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and I fell to tears. Thus, when Sam offered me a drink when I made to leave, I couldn't say no.
    That's when he found me, this kid who was moved to see me. I told him I didn't remember his name and he looked sickly then. I apologized and made a good guess. He began to follow me and I saw the reflections of sirens. I sat down with him and we sat where some kid had thrown up, as the blond pointed out. I stood up and told him I had to leave. He asked if I could walk me home. I looked at him and saw that he was one of the few dressed in costume. If he were to walk home by himself in his stumbling state, he would be picked up immediately. I told him to come with me. Every few minutes into this walk he would push me aside and begin to kiss me and finger me. It felt good, I took him home.

    I did not plan to sleep with him. I wanted to put him on the couch but there were eyes already on the couch. I took him to the bedroom and he spent the night trying to fuck me. I was dry and he was not hard. I refused to get wet on principal-I didn't want my roommate to know I was fucking, or the boy on the couch, and I didn't know a thing about this kid. I always have at least a hardy conversation before a fuck to get me properly wet. I have had one night stands, but I knew all of them better than this boy, whose last name was still a mystery to me.

    I don't know why he wanted to fuck me. He said in the middle of it at one point "I love you." which I replied "What?" The sex would have been great if I had been ready. He is very passionate. I want to fuck him again.

    He left blood all over my pillows and my roommates towel and he took my shirt. He hasn't given it back yet, so I don't know what that means. I have his belt. I am going to keep it for the memory, as well as the bloody print on my wall which I neglected to wipe off.

    I slept with another boy, but this was planned. I got incredibly high with my roommate in the afternoon and then I walked over to Garrett's. He is someone I have always regretted not sleeping with, so when I saw him during my parking shift I asked him out right away. As opposed to the roughness of the other boy, he was slow and gentle and fucked me for hours. He begged me to stay the night with him but I left. I haven't seen him since, except running into him while I was on a date with my coworker.

    Whom I also slept with. He was the worst of the three. He was extremely nervous and scared. But it was very loving I suppose. I don't think about sleeping with him. But I see him all the time. I will be subjected to sex again.

    I dream at night about my Grandpa. He is going on adventures with me and his legs work just fine. We went and dug up a grave the other night and he showed me a beaded figurine that he found. It was from an Indian grave. He doesn't really speak to me in my dreams but we walk together. He is a good man to have around.

    I am going to do more drugs today. I really do appreciate this small adventure I have been given, but I see the temporariness of it. I smell it. I wonder if I can force my way into another society somewhere. Perhaps it is good to have a base of friends around to let me in. I need another chance.

August 25, 2013

  • I remember the first time I got high. This is a really horrible thing to reminisce about but fuck everyone who doesn't smoke anyway. Like, Maddie, fucking seriously. She could use a million blunts. 
    I remember the first time I got high. " ". I went to Carly's and we met up with Chris I believe of Josh or somebody and went to somebody's attic and removed the fan and sucked in weed and I was terrible at it and only got a little high but it didn't matter. We drove to mcdonalds and I didn't want to go to mcdonalds but I didn't have control. I had never hung out with a bunch of people and ended up in a car with people before. It was so great. We went home and I got on xanga and listened to beck and ran around in my underwear. 

    Anyway, lots of stuff have happened. It's good to reminisce I have decided. I can't give up on this blog. It's the greatest thing I've ever done and one of the few things I've committed my life to. I commit myself to so many things actually. Don't tell my parents, it's a surprise.  A pleasant one. 

    This week I started a new job. I don't technically work for "Oasis" so it's not cool to brag about this. I work for the Iowa River Landing hospital on 9th street that no one in Iowa City has ever heard of. I serve lattes and cappuccinos and coffees and make sandwiches and salads for doctors. I get free pizza from the wedge. I work ridiculously early 6:30 to 12:30 and no weekends. No fucking weekends ever. It works for me. I just like having a place to be told to go to every day. I want to do good at my job. I made some good friends at my job already. 

    It makes me want to cry when I think about leaving Iowa City but so many people want to leave. I keep meeting such lovely people all the time and I'm happy for once in a fucking long time. I keep running into old friends, too. I went out on Friday and wrote over at ex teaspoons-the high ground. I wrote and the lady there gave me a free chocolate brownie with peanut butter melting over it. The tea was delicious too. I want to get more. I went to the foxhead and that tattoo parlor dude was there. He was glad to see me. We chatted and he left and then I talked to the woman next to me. She was old and a writer. I am young and a writer. She took me with her to the deadwood but we never made it there. At the motley cow, there was a private birthday. She exclaimed she saw someone she recognized. We crashed the party. Everyone was wearing lovely outfits. I wore sweat pants. I drank free champagne. I drank a free beer. I tried to take over the DJ and requested "Hungry like the Wolf" and "It wasn't Me". I tried to get them to play "Flyin' Solo" and it didn't work out. Fuckers. 
    I flirted with a boy so I could get that song played! but the clock stroke 2 am. I almost forgot my computer as I ran away. 

    The next night, I got invited out by Sean. Shawn? I have no idea how to spell his name it pisses me off. Or almost if that even is his name. I hate this. Anyway, he called me up and I walked through the graveyard. I was exhausted. I met them on brown street. I saw Eric again. I think that's his name. Fuck!!! He had neat glasses and a bunch of dumb jobs. Somebody had a pizza delivery job that I met last night who really hated it. I met someone who worked at Mercy Hospital too. I met the people from 610 e jefferson. They have parties there all the time. This young kid with a broken arm was having really intimate conversations with everyone. I talked to Ktan, Sam and I even saw Travis. 

    The highlights are: 
    1. There was a lengthy discussion about a kid named Wyatt. Wyatt is a piece of shit loser, it sounds like. He just shows up all the time and creeps people out. Walks into their rooms-annoys people. 
    2. Apparently some strange girl who hasn't met me thinks I'm dating Wyatt. Someone named Wyatt.