Sam and I figured out we can't kill ourselves for like 3 more years till then when the new starwars comes out. My cat won't sleep next me she is packed away in one of my drawers like a Japanese businessman sleeping in Kramer's apartment.

shits going down today. I tried to copy my novel straight and paste it and my computer just like loaded for about a minute or two and nothing happened. That means I'm bonafied baby. Everybody should be reminiscent about the good times and aware of the bad times. When you're striking venom at somebody figure out why why why did they hurt you? What's going on? I HAVE to find my gray ipod or I'm dead. I remember listening to rap songs provided from valentines day messin' around eating pomegranate seeds in a bowl in a cold gray chicago morning. I miss Iowa I miss Japan Kyle taught me everything I know and I learned the rest myself from good ol' natural hard work. Finding a hiking buddy is high priority you gotta find someone to take you high up into the mountains. That's the first thing you learn in life. The guy wheezing with asthma on the hill is a pussy he is jabba the fucking hut. My finger was in bad pain yesterday so I took a mysterious pain pill from my Dad, smoked, came home drank a beer with two motrin pms and just went and had some crazy dreams. I dreamt that I was driving but it was more like I was flying and I ended up in a pack of snow surrounded by strangers. Strange boys asking me if I wanted to smoke with them like Iowa-esque kindness. Don't ever miss out on leaving St. Louis baby it's the best feeling in the world seeing that the world is so wide and that there are people unattached and people who are kind to you even though they don't get you. I talked to them and saw the streetlight reflections in the snow I was at that bridge the curly bridge. Meghan Mcenery showed up and Devin too and Meghans hair was dyed a good color blue and Devin had to leave because he had a cold and I asked Meghan where she was going and she said to Cali and I told her that's where I wanted to go too. Figuring it out, enjoy the snow while you can. My cat has her own eye and in that eye is her own power. I love lunch more than anything. I dug up a fantasy book from the basement so that I could be distracted from the truth. I swallowed the truth hard yesterday choked it down and I saw a big old door slam shut but I crawled out the window. I couldn't believe it. I am so lucky. The only thing you can do now is to WORK. and WORK your ass off. Here we go. This is the trick to life. Do not be afraid of work. You come home exhausted from school and collapse on your warm fucking so warm bed and it is YOUR room nobody else's no boyfriends nobody else and you get a jangle on your cell phone and you have a Japanese noise rock concert to go to. Go to the bathroom, fix your makeup, and start WALKING. If you spend a day in your bed spend it learning, writing, socializing, watching, learning, petting your cat occasionally. I've been on more adventures than I know what to do with and everybody should do the same. No matter how deep the scars are BRAG about em cuz you didn't cut em into your arm while you were bored and wanted attention you did it on a sharp rock when you were tripping goat hopping around a mountain. My only crime was I was too damn kind.

oh no oh no oh no

ahhhhh! people are the worst sometimes! I love my friends and I would die for them but I don't feel that way about people I'm romantically involved with. I've never become romantically involved with a friend don't know what that would be like. Once I got romantically involved with someone who i was trying to be friends with but he thought I was dirt less than dirt and it made me so so sad. I saw maddie tonight and nothing will ever make me sadder. I'm so scared of my baseball dreams that keep coming true just so scared. it's too creepy.

Ah I can't believe I got that phone call that is neato!

I am the fastest runner I know sometimes. I am super good with super speed and all that. and sometimes it just catches up with you. Awful things. The things that dredge up on the shore. the pieces of junk and material there's some kind of term for it but I don't know what it is at this particular moment but the kind that makes its own islands in the middle of the ocean. I love to run I love to race and I love going away from it and shedding it off but when the bad feeling of soberness catches up to you it's so painful you can't believe it and I get so fucking mad. It's the kind of anger that won't go away and I want to go to my city that I dream about the city that catches my breath at night and they played the song about it on the radio the one that kills me. When I was a young girl I used to watch cult movies on AMC till the break of dawn and dream about wild and crazy things and I quit jobs because I get bored and everything and I am sick but I am going to hit that tonight because my brain won't turn off and I used to be a child and I used to be a romantic and I used to think that love was the best thing on the planet but I am never going to do it again and I give up and my life is going to be typed up words and smoking and drinking and dying in the city I dream about alone in that house in that apartment. When that man showed up to my house and then I saw Chuck Berry that night and tears got up in my eyes because I needed to go I needed to leave need to leave pretty soon I gotta run again.

Life makes no sense. Today was awful. I feel so ridiculously sober it is painful. A bug committed suicide in my glass. I have to refill it with water. This is depressing. I don't want to get up. I feel like sometimes I have weird signs like I already died or something. Why is it so warm outside, for instance? It never gets cold anymore. Am I in hell or something? Also why is my gum bleeding everywhere still? I thought I fixed the problem. 
This probably means I just have to go to the dentist.
My go to line as a feminist is to point out that Keira Knightly is completely too skinny and nobody cares. Charlotte Gainsburg is artfully thin, Keira Knightly is dangerously thin in a narcissist manner...does that make any sense to you?
Maybe if you are lost and sad and useless the answer key is apply to grad school. I really need to find a spot in life. Get back to acadamia, get away from this peter pan fantasy I've been cruising.  

Well I'm just not sure about anything right now. I just cleaned my mouth out from slurpee and ended up spitting up quite a bit of blood. My gums are inflamed. I think part of it is because I'm sick. I went in yesterday to earn some cash. I parked next to a sushi place on washington ave and I poured some quarters into the meter and realized I had no idea where I was. I started walking in the wrong direction but eventually figured it out and turned around. I went into the sports bar/grill and everybody was late coming in. I was there with maybe one or two other people. This other hostess shows up I find out she's only gonna be there from 11 to 2. She starts complaining and bitching about how she has to train me. She's so late that this other gal whose name is Hillary and she literally looks like a Hillary has already trained me a whole bunch. Hillary needs to eat more. Meanwhile, I talk to this black chick whose name I will never know (she's the other hostess the late one) and I learn that she has about 12 tattoos and they're all pretty bad. She thinks it is crazy I know Japanese and she starts telling me about ways to read erotic novels during work. I am bored out of my mind. I write a couple of pages into my novel and then realize that I have to put more quarters in my car. I have to go outside and put more quarters in my car every 2 hours. Also, I am standing by the door the whole time. I thought I was bundled up enough but I started feeling weary and I needed water and everything. All the girls are taking constant cigarette breaks. They all act like they've been here a thousand times and they know how to deal with the day. I am bored. My ex is texting me. I almost want to get back together with him right there because I'm so bored. I eat a free burger because I'm training. In the whole shift from 11 am to 10:30 pm, I had one small ten minute break. And the job was so easy. There was a big rush and everybody acted like it was a big deal but it was so easy. I had already decided to quit. I was hell bent on it. I honest don't even think I could be a waitress at this point. I'm starting to reconsider the idea immensely. (this is in regards to my interview this monday with the drunken fish.) Anyway, I have one really attractive girl whose face is CAKED in foundation tell me about how I should try to get a job serving instead of hostessing and then I'll get a lot of money. I am like okay okay sure. I am never going to see you again. Later in the evening, these guys are starting to hit on me. One is like a cook or dish cleaner the other was like a bouncer. They were both fucking horrid. I couldn't wait to quit. I was forced to watch the baseball game which was terrible. I kept being harped at by everybody that I should sit down. I didn't sit down. It would've been so boring. What, are my legs broken? I stayed up. The door kept opening. I was so thirsty. I knew I would be getting a cold. I felt it. I didn't care. A lady told me she thought I was wonderful because I smiled at everybody who opened the door. It made me cry so I had to go to the bathroom for a bit. I hate it when people are nice to me on my worst day. I kept dreaming about leaving. They kept saying I could go soon. It wasn't ever happening. Finally, Shamus asked me if I was going to stay and I said no I am not going to come in tomorrow I do not want this job please make this end. He said after I seated one last couple I could go and I did and then I grabbed everything and ran for the door. The two guys who hit on me all night were there and two groups hoping to be seated and I ran past them. I got to my car and quickly got out my cigarettes. I started driving into heavy traffic-everybody was leaving the stadium. I smoked one, two, three cigarettes. I was stuck behind a bunch of cars and these older well-to-do baseball fans from chesterfield asked for a ride. I said "uhhh" and they got in my car. I drove them back to the street I had just left and they gave me twenty dollars. I accidentally had the air conditioning on and didn't even notice. I was in shock. I drove back to west county and hung out with sam and drank beers. That was my night. 

nobody crosses me

Now I get to be completely and utterly selfish in a total Kate Chopin sense. I get to go through life as though I was in the fruits and veggies section of the grocery store and lift up every item and judge it and look for bruises and feel it and decide if I want to put it in the clear plastic baggie or if I want to chuck it. I love this semblance of selfishness. I love the fact that I am allowed to call the shots in my life. I despise it when people are mean to me. I only want to hang out with people that make me feel good. Truly and wholly good. I love hanging out with Sam May and his family because that is what they are like. He is my oldest friend because of that. I love talking to Tori and Mirri because they have really good hearts. I feel like if you reached into their chests you wouldn't find just meat you would find something better. Maybe meat is the best thing. I loved Luis because he was a great person. He made me feel really great and we had a great time. It was mundane and I didn't learn anything from him and giving my life to him would mean I would be giving up everything. So that is why I let a good thing go. It was the softest breakup I've ever had. I love loving people and I hate being sick and being stuck and being dragged. I love hanging out with my parents. I love hanging out with my cat. My cat is a wonderful furry being. She will follow you around and possessively love you and become comfortable and rest next to you and then she will bound up and grab her tail and start running around with it. I love rainy days. I love it when it gets really cloudy and the wind starts howling. I get exhausted during sunny days but sometimes they are alright if there are enough trees with shade. I am incredibly sad and I am writing about the things I love because already I had two people insult me today at the mall and my sunny day is kind of sucking. I'm going to go and watch a movie by myself after work today and I am looking forward to that. I did it once before and really enjoyed it, actually. It was the opposite of the experience I had when I went to see Blue Velvet by myself in Denver and ended up drinking a lot and getting really lonely and sad and pathetic and just completely devastated and went to go meet up with a guy who liked me at a bar and ended up back at my ex's house because he wouldn't let me drive because I was wasted and I just wanted to die so very badly. I want to feel the opposite of that every day.