October 16, 2012

  • Now I get to be completely and utterly selfish in a total Kate Chopin sense. I get to go through life as though I was in the fruits and veggies section of the grocery store and lift up every item and judge it and look for bruises and feel it and decide if I want to put it in the clear plastic baggie or if I want to chuck it. I love this semblance of selfishness. I love the fact that I am allowed to call the shots in my life. I despise it when people are mean to me. I only want to hang out with people that make me feel good. Truly and wholly good. I love hanging out with Sam May and his family because that is what they are like. He is my oldest friend because of that. I love talking to Tori and Mirri because they have really good hearts. I feel like if you reached into their chests you wouldn't find just meat you would find something better. Maybe meat is the best thing. I loved Luis because he was a great person. He made me feel really great and we had a great time. It was mundane and I didn't learn anything from him and giving my life to him would mean I would be giving up everything. So that is why I let a good thing go. It was the softest breakup I've ever had. I love loving people and I hate being sick and being stuck and being dragged. I love hanging out with my parents. I love hanging out with my cat. My cat is a wonderful furry being. She will follow you around and possessively love you and become comfortable and rest next to you and then she will bound up and grab her tail and start running around with it. I love rainy days. I love it when it gets really cloudy and the wind starts howling. I get exhausted during sunny days but sometimes they are alright if there are enough trees with shade. I am incredibly sad and I am writing about the things I love because already I had two people insult me today at the mall and my sunny day is kind of sucking. I'm going to go and watch a movie by myself after work today and I am looking forward to that. I did it once before and really enjoyed it, actually. It was the opposite of the experience I had when I went to see Blue Velvet by myself in Denver and ended up drinking a lot and getting really lonely and sad and pathetic and just completely devastated and went to go meet up with a guy who liked me at a bar and ended up back at my ex's house because he wouldn't let me drive because I was wasted and I just wanted to die so very badly. I want to feel the opposite of that every day.