Today I met up with Saturn and she told me she got mugged and that she ran to her car and he dragged her out of it and drew out a gun so she threw her phone and he shot at her and shattered her glasses.
I tried to write a short story today and failed.
My allergies are taking over. My body is suffering.

It's time for me to get back to the thick of things...the normalcy of not what once was but what once was before that. I am sitting here with the last issue of newsweek and it looks desolate and lame. I put a ribbon around Steffi's neck for a while and watched her stumble around with it and then took it off. I wonder how she would look with a fancy collar and/or if she would ever forgive me if I got her one. I am deeply deeply horribly in love. I don't care. It is making me look like an idiot most days. Other days it might make me look pretty. It is the kind of unraveling love that makes you reminisce about every moment you've ever loved anybody in your life. There are a lot of those moments in one's life, I am sure. It is just stuck in my brain like gobs of melty cheese rotting on the pan underneath the last pizza slice. I am unable to function in the proper ways. I am unable to close my mind around the idea of any of it. I am a lost dog on the side of the road. I am unable to configure.

Coming back to STL is some kinda hell I can barely imagine at times. It's like saying "I'm a spayed dog and my adventures are over" and I'm totally in love so it's making it even much much much worse. I kind of had these things crash on my head at the wrong time and I got stuck here because I needed the therapy and my parent's support and everything but I can't help-even in this fucking great cheap apartment with my cat and everything I've ever wanted...I can't help but count the days until I'm done with this place! I told Brandon that there was no good high school memories and I told David that I'm not going to hang out with the people I knew in high school it's just never gonna happen I don't like to shit where I ate even when the eatings done and done. I instead just mull around and wait for the world to end so I can keep moving up. I told him I would go around and fuck someone and that would be my easy way out but fuck me, I'm not in Denver any more so I don't really have an excuse to act like a baby anymore. I gotta grow up and stop fucking away my problems. Plus, man, I really don't want nothing with nobody here. I hate the ants that crawl on this anthole they're like babies who've never left the crib and are grabbing for a mother's milk. You know what's hilarious is that fucking Luis was texting me and now he has some kind of infectious disease that he's taking random pills for from Francis. Grow up man. Go to the doctor. He just wants to trap a girl and make her take care of him and I really am sickened by it. I'm just another mom. No guy will ever impregnate me. Just try. At least not a second time. Kyle got away with a TON of shit. He made me move to Denver with him. At least I'm not being dragged to some city for a guy. I got no city and no guy and nothing at all. Thanks a lot.

I wish things would go back to normal and the economy would sit up straight so a man could buy me a goddamn drink that was even only 4 or 5 years older than me. I wish that people would get over the fact that everybody is fucking fat and deal with it in the ways of finding people who don't binge and purge sexy again. I wish that diets didn't exist, that movies were about fun instead of logic, that sci-fi was prevalent in this culture instead of boring plain cynicism and realism. Can I tell you a secret? I cannot. I am very lonely and willing to put out kind of. I just want to hang out with somebody on a regular basis who is interested in me in a dull sexual way. I wish Robert was here. I wish I was at Iowa. I am seriously having such a fun and awful time at the same time. I'm getting so chunky with all of it.

So I had a really bad new years and I needed to make up for it the next day when I had the day off. I woke up in an utter mess just wanting to die and then I tried to get up but I couldn't stop listening to music. (p.s. I haven't touched cloud atlas yet still for fear that it is just as bad as the last time I opened it). I am seriously in peril here. David called me to tell me that life was wonderful and I told him that I didn't feel that way and I cried on the phone while listening to him walk along the beach. Jesus christ. I got up and took a shower and then cried in the shower and I think my neighbors heard me. I paid my bills that I have so far (tried to set up my best buy account but I haven't gotten my card yet) and then Deloney called and said let's go to qdoba and I said let's go to Jimmy John's and we went there instead. We talked about music and his rap career and everything and then we went to a gay bar in the grove because all the bars in that area are gay bars. What would I know? And I told him that I don't trust people and I don't like opening up to people because people treat me like I'm a plate of french fries half the time. I told him that I didn't trust anybody because almost everyone is just trying to get their dick wet with me and then most girls talk to me like I'm some kind of competition-which is why I keep to myself and have very few friends. He did not understand this and proceeded to make out with me. I felt queasy and I was INCREDIBLY pissed off because I had to pay for everything this night too. I totally think he has a legit dream and a rap career and is a good father and is trying to make things right-but too be honest he ordered drinks for us while I was in the bathroom and had no say in it and I ended up spending a shit ton of money last night! Also, I am tired of his ruthless pursuing. I am not a goddamn item in the fucking UFO catcher that everybody is trying to get. But I melted when he said he thought I was cool in high school because from what I've been taught I was the world's biggest piece of shit in high school. I told him about how carly cut herself and told everybody I was the reason she did it because I was dating her ex-boyfriend and I wasted all this guilt on her as she tried to play me like a cheap acoustic guitar. I am still unsure if she had intentions of killing me off the time she invited me over to do keyboard cleaner...then I told him about Maddie and how I was in love/still in love with Maddie and I desired her friendship greatly but she led me around on a leash like I was a goddamn dachshund with a moldy green ear. I told him about Eric, how I loved and trusted eric's friendship for year after year after year and how he started to make my life a living hell and then I found out I was just another vagina hole to him christ almighty I guess I had earned that. I almost cried at the bar when he told me he was struggling with his Dad and then I still got the privilege of paying for everything with the exception of his jimmy john's sandwich and a few quarters towards a pool game. I might have possibly been so wasted that I actually won at pool last night. Shocking, I know. I saw the neighbor kid flirting like a twitterpated rabbit with some gal and racing across the street with her I could care less. And at this point I am royally wasted. I put on my ipod from sophomore year of high school, I danced around and drank beers and prepared for smoking a cigarette outside. I put on red lipstick. I began to drunk text people which is awful. I drunk texted Chance...I can't even believe it. I told him where I live! I am truly scared of that dude a little bit but my desire for company is starting to melt my fear which is bad bad bad. I hate St. Louis. Why does this have to be the city my parents are living in. I'm pretty sure they don't even like it. Anyway....I finally got a hold of David and he was at his apartment settling in for the night and we talked about sex for a huge portion of the conversation and then we also talked about our emotional feelings. I have no idea. It was a great talk. We talked about Japanese porn and he kept telling me about what a great voice I had so maybe it's true. I think he's only being sweet on me right now because he's jealous that I spent the whole day on a date. Which means I need to go out on more dates and get more of a social life. FUCK. I wish I was in Iowa City. If I was in Iowa City I would be sleeping with Robert. Seriously. I am not kidding. I almost want to go back there so I can get back together with him. I honestly don't want to get with anyone in a new relationship. They are too scary. Robert and I were together for fucking so long. I was going to work out today and make myself look pretty but instead I wrote this xanga entry. I am a fucking idiot. Do I really have to work today? If I don't get some writing done during this shift I'll off myself. I keep making jokes about how I'm going to kill myself. I find it enjoyable. This entry makes me seem like a selfish cunt. But what would I be if I weren't that? Right now, I'm completely trapped in a spider web. My best friends are in Michigan, Barrow, Tampa Bay, Iowa City, West County, Denver, and Sakae. And this place is just covered with land mines. My favorite thing to do nowadays is to look at Ford's fb posts where he brags about going to france and italy and his girlfriend because I feel like he is empty inside just like me. I brag about shit all the time when I'm empty. What could be a good filler? Icing? That white stuff in the middle of the long john? I remember a rainy day when I came inside to get my bowl of thai noodles and dipped them in the spicy sauce and veggies and I tasted the ghost noodles and I had my backpack with me. I remember the day when it was barreling down snow and I had to present that evening and I remember David being there but not being there. I remember running around in a graveyard naked on a cold night and feeling incredibly free. I remember walking in the woods with Mirri and being jealous of her and respecting her and hoping she honestly regarded me as a friend. 
While Brandon and I were sitting at the bar he asked me "What was your favorite memory of high school?"
And I said none. None at all. I don't have a single good memory from that place no matter how hard I try to think of one.

Yesterday I woke up and lounged in bed with my cat like usual and then I got up to get ready to go to work and Brandon texted me asking what I was doing and I said I was going to work and he said he'd stop by and I walked out to meet him in the snow in a scene that I couldn't even conceive of writing myself. He talked to me in a roundabout way about how he was leaving and he wanted to hang out so I said I would hang out with him tomorrow (today) and then dropped a bagel on the ground and then still ate it because it was the only food I was gonna get for a while. I had to drive to work quickly in the snow but I didn't die and I made it there. Phan and I sat up at the front desk as I completed several levels of angry birds and she did not read anything but pretended to. We were bored and tired and wished person after person happy new years. I ate a giant plate of mac and cheese and I wanted to go to sleep. We called security up to escort a drunk person out but he didn't even do anything and security wouldn't even believe me that he was drunk. I kept playing angry birds. Justin grabbed us starbucks. I drank caffeine and felt anxious. I am a frozen duck. I finally got into my car to go home. No cigarettes.  
I parked my car and got dressed. I went to the bar next to me. I got a long island iced tea. I sat there. I listened to other people's conversations a bit. I got a shot of moonshine. i hardly made it down without barfing. i got a beer. i drank it and i left when i had to pee. I got sexts from david, I got a fucking text from Chance and I texted my neighbor who said he was at a work party. I went home and watched american horror story and passed out on my couch. I woke up to my neighbors having a fun time in the basement and a million texts from Laura and a text from my neighbor saying he was coming back at 3:30. It was 4. I missed everything.
I tried to go to bed and I had a dream about Chance which is awful, I had a dream about something else too. I woke up and now I have to hang out with Brandon. I hate this year already.
I am going to smoke weed and play videogames till he calls me-after I pay bills and take out the trash. Entering 2013 alone coming out alone.

I should be in the shower or exercising or eating something because I'm going to work and then I'm going to the bar seven steps away from me and going to get crunk wasted with people there...order some long island ice teas. Yeah gurl. that's whats up. I'll have to hit up the ATM in there (cash only why why why) because I don't want to break a hundo. I will wear a pretty dress. If I get a kiss on new years I won't be expecting it. I am addicted to Grimes. Grimes is the best thing ever. Okay, here's Elyse's 2012 end of the year recommendations: 

1. You should start playing that Simpson's game. Very fantastic.
2. Donnie and Joe Emerson
3. Django Django...not Django
4. GRIMES
5. Death Grips, Frank Ocean, The Pogues
6. Make up with your one night stand of the past. Maybe somehow he has suddenly become incredible in bed.
7. Sinister for best horror movie of the year. You can skip paranormal activity.
8. Eat more pizza!
9. Hang out with Sam May. He is awesome!
10. Come over to my place and have a drink. I've never lived in a place that feels so cool.

I've learned that therapy is a really good idea and that sometimes you gotta replace your buddies with better buddies. Had a dream i was in Iowa City last night. Miss it every day. All my favorite lovers are from Iowa. Coincidence? They remind me of the taste of flesh and the sound of a voice that I met in a different city. Not St. Louis. Reminds me of the best time of my life. I conversed with a stranger last night. Met a guy named Steve at the bar. He photographs trucks and sometimes weddings for extra cash. we talked about the value of art and how hard it is to create a self portrait. He said "you write about yourself, right?" I said yes. He said "but do you mention yourself by name?" I said no. Maybe I don't have any balls at all. What a great point.

I fell asleep drunkly to my rum and cola and watched fox and the hound and cried because I feel like I have deep friendships like that. Once I'm in your life, I'm in. I don't leave.
It's snowing and it's beautiful. Good times y'all.

Have you ever had someone in your life that the only interaction you want from them is to give you head and then to leave? And then you find them starring in this extensive thing that you write as if they are deep and lovely and incredible but truly they are just a dark smudge on your life that you're trying to rub out with the wrong side of the pencil. People are so dull! I mean here. Fuck. I'm getting no action whatsoever. It's because the people I talk to are just too uninteresting to me to lay with. That is awful. They aren't uninteresting. They just know too much about my past. And I refuse to sleep with anyone who has known me for more than 3 years. I just do. I won't do it. That's fucked up shit. It's like incest.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm taking the easy route. I think I'm going to marry robert just for fucks sake. I already spent a bunch of time with him I have a general idea of what he's like. He falls asleep when we watch movies together and he is pretty great in bed.
I am starting to think Dan Mclaughlin is a ghost. A straight up ghost. Maybe even the ghost of the guy who hung himself in my apartment. A young man shows up at the bar with blue eyes and then I go back and he is not there anymore. He hasn't been back. Ill keep looking.

I don't trust the good man I don't trust. I am back from the movies. Saw 40 something with Sam. It was refreshing and nice only because so many people I know watch "Knocked up" and consider the gal played by Apatow's wife to be a "giant bitch" and this movie kind of took her, stretched her out. helped you sympathize with her. It's true. I mean, jesus christ, you look at any marriage and you're like who is that yakking squak bird and as a girl you figure shit I gotta not be that, ya know? But what are you supposed to do? I get into relationship after relationship and they are all trial runs (I guess???) and what I get the pleasure of learning from them is that I have no idea what to do. I want to be cool with you, kind, savvy, sweet, smart but frankly it's like why don't men like to work hard, become something, move forward in life? And then I see it. I see myself becoming so hardfast stuck like I'm coated in concrete. Like...you really don't want adventures? You really don't want to explore EVERYTHING out there? What do you want to do instead???? I am not religious and my assumption is that I am going to die soon and not come back. There is no heaven. This is all I have. But I mean, I REALLLY think about that. deeply. I have been close to death or pain that is so sobering that no drug can make it leave. And it makes me want to keep moving forward. To build love and things. Instead of yakking squaking I chirp a little and move the fuck on.

It's tough currently. If i could choose any fucking time to have a significant other to lean on it would be NOW but I have nothing. I have nothing close at all. And that's fine. I'm just being selfish because I'm so used to having my hand held when I cross the street.

I am literally so depressed that I'm in love. fuck this shit. I'm gonna text my neighbor tomorrow and wish him happy holidays. I listened to the pogues for the first time and it moved me so much I'm moving to ireland forever. I will be the first female writer worth anything. Toni Morrison and me. I don't care. you're more concerned about what's cool than what's real. I pray to god every day I could just be on the back of a horse again. riding in the moors bareback on a gray mare. I don't care the things I'm into is the things  you're not. He never loved me and never will. He never saw me as human and never will. I am an ant. I am a piece of gray stone. I will never be something that can be loved. No one will ever love me. I'm back again in the bed. The same bed I was in when he taught me that I wasn;t human. This is the exact opposite of how I felt when I was in Egyptian Cotton sheets hovering over the streets of boystown. This is the exact opposite of how I felt when I was banking on the side of a mountain. This is the exact opposite of how I felt when I was on a train to Amsterdam reading a magazine. This is the exact opposite of how I felt when I was standing at the bottom of Notre Dame. I am a shit stain on your backpack. I don't have a good story to tell. You told me that. I have no stories worth telling.  You took me and scraped my blood on the side of concrete. You were carving a pumpkin and I filled it with blood. I am a mare and you are the field with no gate. You are telling me to ride into the ditches where the germans will shoot me full of lead until the blood runs like little rivers and tributaries. You are the goose who ate me and bit me and drowned me in the lake that I couldn't get out of because of my mental disease. I carry so much mental disease. I cannot live I mean nothing to you. I am a fuck bug. I am a fuck thing. I am so little to you that I can't crawl out of the sand pit. You are a cobra with a great hood. You are a venomous thing. An adder. I am at your beck and call. Ricki Tikki Tavi. You bit me back and I can't escape the poison. I am at the bottom of the whirlpool sher khan. sherlock you've figured me out you wolf. I was the man who brought you home from the arctic winds and took you into my study. but the night I came home with the broken limb you bared your teeth and ripped into me. There is still a part of you that is wolf. Maybe all of you is wolf. I am unsure but the thing I feel ripping into my fingers into my hand is wolf. I am the boy who stands in front of the two men; one is my father and he beats me every single day and the other is a stranger who is rich and a sultan and will never beat me, but if I choose the sultan he will kill the man rightfully my blood...my father. I am truly screwed. I am a selfish witch who watches her husband befriend an injured sparrow and the sparrow offers him a gift. There are two boxes and he takes the smaller one. I, in my feminine stupidity crawl to the sparrows cave and demand I have access to the bigger box-the gold and riches. I watch as my limbs are torn apart by demons who lick my pussy with the end of a cactus covered in sticky molasses. Oh hell of hells. He has not studied the classics or the new works of anyone. I don't even think he's read Eggers or david foster wallace he must know NOTHING, nothing of willy lowman crawling on his knees begging for a blowjob from the corporate world. Dirty old town, dirty old town. I am a mere weasel in this mix, no ricki ticki. To make my bread? I am Beret Girl. I am a stalk of wheat. Here we are and you have won sir, you took my dignity and dragged it into a capsule of time that I will never unlock or understand. I am a mechanic in the wall of machines. I am sitting on the edge of the island laughing at the white men because they only have sex on top of their women no other way. I coined the phrase "missionary position." because that's the only way they'll do it. I am a cat and you think that because you only have one life instead of 9 that you know more? You're only a dog. No part of you is wolf. Not a single lick. There is no instinct in you for kindness, bravery, teamwork, boldness. It is all following. You are a follower. A tiny little mechanic. The machine can work just fine if you're whipped out. I will laugh at your funeral. Dance upon your grave. When King is there to give your eulogy no one will hear because they'll hear me singing. I will sing upon your grave and sing beautifully so that people feel sick. And when I sing it will mean that everything you did to undo me will be undone. You have lost.