December 26, 2012

  • I don't trust the good man I don't trust. I am back from the movies. Saw 40 something with Sam. It was refreshing and nice only because so many people I know watch "Knocked up" and consider the gal played by Apatow's wife to be a "giant bitch" and this movie kind of took her, stretched her out. helped you sympathize with her. It's true. I mean, jesus christ, you look at any marriage and you're like who is that yakking squak bird and as a girl you figure shit I gotta not be that, ya know? But what are you supposed to do? I get into relationship after relationship and they are all trial runs (I guess???) and what I get the pleasure of learning from them is that I have no idea what to do. I want to be cool with you, kind, savvy, sweet, smart but frankly it's like why don't men like to work hard, become something, move forward in life? And then I see it. I see myself becoming so hardfast stuck like I'm coated in concrete. Like...you really don't want adventures? You really don't want to explore EVERYTHING out there? What do you want to do instead???? I am not religious and my assumption is that I am going to die soon and not come back. There is no heaven. This is all I have. But I mean, I REALLLY think about that. deeply. I have been close to death or pain that is so sobering that no drug can make it leave. And it makes me want to keep moving forward. To build love and things. Instead of yakking squaking I chirp a little and move the fuck on.

    It's tough currently. If i could choose any fucking time to have a significant other to lean on it would be NOW but I have nothing. I have nothing close at all. And that's fine. I'm just being selfish because I'm so used to having my hand held when I cross the street.