So last night I couldn't get to sleep until 4 am. I made food, went online, finished AHS, sewed a button onto my skirt, sketched a bunch of pictures, watched about 3 seconds of the Office and smoked a bit. I dreamt that Anya dumped Laura and she went into a depression like I had never seen. Acting completely irrationally and totally lost. A young couple kind of faux punk-goth appeared and starting hanging out with her and just doing awful things all the time. The couple broke up because the boy wanted to be with me and he was young and dumb and irresponsible just like everybody else and he wanted to follow me like a dog to wherever I wanted to go. I didn't tell him but I was moving to Ireland. Goodbye. 

Okay so the point of a one-night stand is that it is kept a one-night stand and that if I want to, I can develop it further but if I don't I can get the fuck out of there. I love having sex early on because of a few reasons:
1. You know what you're signing up for
2. Chances are, it's not going to work out, so at least I got some sex
3. I love having sex
4. I'm clearly not going to fall in love with you if you're no good in bed. And if you're penis is small on top of that? Well.

I'm pretty open to things, however. I've been with some tiny men. Me oh my.
My therapist told me over and over again that I should not be having sex early on in a relationship. I just can't not do it that way~ Here are the reasons why:
1. All the reasons mentioned above.
2. I love sex. Again. I still love it.
3. It's a way to really get to know somebody a lot quicker. Otherwise what do people do? Talk about the weather for three weeks?
4. I literally do not believe that having sex early on changes the dynamic of the relationship. If you like me and I like you, why wouldn't it work out regardless of time frame of jumping into bed? Seriously?
5. I'm a big flaming feminist. And also I think it's sexist against men to believe that a man is only going to pay attention to you until he gets his dick in you and then run off. That's preposterous. Men are puppy dogs.

I have experienced several different types of relationships that have almost always involved sex. Sometimes good...I've made a clean break so far with the exception of relationships in St. Louis. All of my St. Louis relationships were the fucking worst. And I'm not saying that St. Louis was the cause of it. I just think it is hilarious. I've had really so much fun in bed in Iowa or in Denver or in Japan or in Chicago even I don't know what it is about this place!

I was going to go into detail about them and then I realized that not all of them were terrible. What about Paul Kepley. Damn you Paul. You goddamn outlier.
Shit man.
It is hard to forget about that man. He was perfect. He was smart, he was interesting, he was so sweet and he had the biggest most perfect dick ever. And go figure, nature happened, I couldn't love him. I love him in every single way. He is literally the greatest person you will ever meet and you should be sad if you were never friends with him. God he was fantastic. Oh wow, that really changes everything. Every day of my life it sucks that I don't love him. And I fall in love easily! And hard. Goddammit goddammit goddammit. I forget because this situation is embarrassing and stupid. It's like my chemistry is messed up. And as punishment, I've had to go through life sifting through assholes. Assholes assholes assholes.

Here's what I was in a tiff about. When I moved home I ended up working at the mall for a while and it was a dark dark period. I was in a deep depression and I hadn't figured out why yet, so I was avoiding everybody I knew and laying low. But I was also in a relationship that was long-distance and it was fueled by passion and wanting...but it was also a relationship that I knew was sadly unhealthy. I loved Luis quite a lot and he was smart and great and fun and wonderful in bed and incredibly handsome but too unpredictable to make a bet on. I need a strong man who won't drag me down and as much as I love him he wasn't going to college, didn't seem to be planning on it, and you know la di da. It's much more complicated than that, obviously.
Anyway, we ended up breaking it off and I was still at my parent's off depressed as fuck trying to find ways of warding off the depression-smoking a lot of weed and drinking and any stress relieving activities I could find and I ended up in a small tryst one night with a guy that I met at the mall (har har) and it made me feel a lot better about things but I made the decision not to see him again. The reason why? Because he freaked me the fuck out.

My therapist is helping me with trust issues and not to be scared of things that ought not to scare people, which is sensible and makes sense because those are what normal people go through with date-rape, but I am not a cautious cat. I am not really scared of men. I have a tendency to hurt their egos for fun. I laughed at Zach when he threatened to kill me and I had a long relationship with a guy who notoriously tried to strangle his best friend with a belt. But as of late, I am trying to be a tiny bit more cautious. I am not paranoid nor have I ever been. It took me almost 3 years to realize that I had been raped and frankly, most of the time I wish I hadn't realized it because it is so painful to think about it I don't want to have it as a part of my life. To think a friend would just take you into a bedroom and get you messed up so he could thrust his dick in your mouth. Why? Why would anyone ever do that? But there are warning signs in life, there are always warning signs, and I'm trying to see if I can follow them instead of blatantly ignoring them because my Mother was actually asked out by a serial killer once and she felt he was odd so she turned him down. And I don't want to be paranoid at all, but there have been some significant warning labels that should've indicated to me that I needed to get out of certain things perhaps earlier than later. For instance;
When Tori told me that Zach hit her. Sadly, my instinct was to just ignore Tori for the awful fact that I just happen to trust women WAY less than men. Which is something I have long since overcome. Tori was right, Zach was a bad man. I was lucky he never hit me.
The most daunting warning sign of them all was that I was actually warned to stay away from my rapist. I wish I had taken the warning more literally and had entirely avoided him. But everything fell apart. In high school, I had a puppy dog childish crush on the guy. I dated his friend who was a good man. His friend dumped me which was fine, but when I told him about my puppy dog feelings, he told me "Whatever you do, do not date that guy. Do not go after him." And he wouldn't tell me why. I don't want to know why he said it back then. The less I know, the better I feel. I can imagine all sorts of horrible things. Unfortunately, when I was in college and I tried to make a platonic friendship, all I got was tricked, trapped, and fucked in the mouth. He is capable of evil things and I am afraid of him.
But anyway, so back to this guy from the mall. So, here are the things he told me that I'm taking as warning signs.
1. He worked in a morgue for a long time and apparently has a numbness to seeing dead bodies. He said it doesn't affect him anymore.
2. He had some kind of estranged relationship with his parents and family.
3. He said some kind of completely racist thing when I picked him up and was waiting for me to like agree with him? I was not super pleased with that.
4. He is living with his ex girlfriend in a fucking closet. It's the tiniest apartment in the world. It's like a one bedroom that hardly even has a bedroom and the kitchen is part of the bedroom and the bathroom has no lock it's like so small. He broke up with his girlfriend and he's still living with her in super close quarters. That's creepy and weird and what the fuck.
5. He seems to not be phased at all about death. He told me he had been in motorcycle accidents over 16 times and that he'd broken just about everything but he still rides it. Super wasted. Super fast. Just doesn't care? Or he likes toying with death? What a weirdo.
Anyway, the guy scares me. And UNFORTUNATELY he knows where I work. I try really hard to keep where I work and what I'm doing secret in general so this shit doesn't ever happen, but I let it slip that I was applying for a job at this hotel (because for god's sakes i was embarrassed working at a mall and probably wanted to seem impressive or something) and he fucking CAME into my fucking job. I was relieved because he brought some girl with him so maybe he won't bother me anymore? (hoping hoping hoping) but seriously it scared me. He is a bad man. I just wanted to have a taste and then have him go away but great, now I gotta deal with this shit. Really?

You know what, I hate you St. Louis. Fuck you. You're such a dick to me. I don't care anymore. I come back and suddenly it's like everybody thinks I'm gonna sleep with them. Brandon has been harassing me for fucking forever trying to make me feel like I'm an asshole if I don't submit to him. My rapist proved his point all in my mouth. And then even Eric being inappropriate towards me after all these years of trusting him? And now I got Chance stalking me this whole fucking city gives me a goddamn headache. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Why is Sam May here and Saturn and my wonderful parents? I need to make a lot of money so I can move them all out to California and get the fuck out of here jesus christ.

-Did a sexy dance with a black girl and let her feel me up
-Tried to pick a fight with a blond guy who was being snarky with me after refusing to let me borrow a chair. I kept screaming at him that he had a small penis.
-Snapped some hipsters fucking suspenders strap.

I finished reading my helper book thing this morning so that was a good leap forward. It had a section at the very end which helped define everything out for me and helped me realize that I can confidently exclaim what actually happened to me was a real thing, and that I was not at fault, I was not the one who caused it, I am not some fluid being that is waiting to be tortured and what not.
Life has been curious of late and I have spent more time meditating than mouthing off recently. I am soaking it all in like a little wet foal but I mean really, I get to take everything in with a new light. I get to see the world from the eyes of a confident person with a confident body. I have lost my confidence in some areas (just a few hiccups in bed) and I will regain those soon enough. I was lucky enough to run into a stranger from the past who shook me with his continually present desire and good-nature. However, he also is riddled with strange doubt, anxiety, and certain dark things that I am sensitive too at this moment. Far too sensitive. I am letting things in and no one can be allowed to take the reigns on my part. I am not someone who leans, however. It would be a harsh mistake to think such a way. I have never bowed down to another person's will with the exception of br'er rabbit who came and stole my dignity and happiness. My friends from high school were not friends, they were all bad people. And I am trying to see if maybe there might be some goodness there, as well. I know for a fact that I cannot ever again come across Maddie and Eric and even Caitlin maybe they were all poison or poisoners for that matter. They created a character for me out of thin air and decided that Elyse would be that even though Elyse is not that and will never be that. I am not sad about this anymore or angry even, but there are moments where leaving St. Louis becomes such an intoxicating notion that I feel wet even thinking about it. I am scared to tell anyone where I would go in case they would follow me. I quit facebook and it feels so good. It's like I got a 24-7 boner from it, I don't even know. I don't have to worry about other people-whether they are following their dreams or not. I am following a dream so la-di-da. I don't even know how I got pulled into it, but at least I have a tiny little goal that I am chasing. It feels good, but I am overwhelmed with a sudden thought that time might be running out. My computer is dying...it is unhealthy and sick and I am sad because it is my beast that I need. My parents are talking about retirement and my Dad wants my mom to travel the world with him. I want that to happen too while they're still young. My lover is impatient and scared of me, hoping that I am not just frivolous and flitting away my life. I am going to have to bounce back into happiness much sooner than I thought. Only good will come of it and I am already sleeping better than I have for years. Something incredible is going to happen at the other end of this. I don't know if I'll ever be the same as I was in the past (I was so happy!!!) but in the very least I will try my best to be as happy and content as possible. As for the big bad wolf himself, it sounds like success is probably a difficult thing for him. I think he did what he did to me because he had no control of anything in his life (well he was living with his goddamn parents accomplishing jack shit) and maybe he thought he could feel better if he pissed on the spark that I had inside me. The problem for him is going to be the fact that it caused me to become tough, beautiful, and a writer. What did it accomplish for him? The same thing everything else he's ever done has accomplished for him. Sweet, subtle, short term satisfaction. As for me, if I see him again, he will know that he has a prickly cactus to deal with. I have traveled the world, I have lived for a year in solitude and meditation, I have written a heart-rendering thing that is nearing it's completion, I have gained job experience, money, love, and I have made tight knit friendships as well as garnered a kinship that is tighter than most humans ever get to have with their parents, I have gotten into the love and science of sports, and I know Japanese. I still did these things even when he trapped me in his bedroom and masturbated into my mouth. I have an apartment that is big and spacious and lovely that is full of neat things, and I have a one-eyed cat who is nothing but affectionate and kind and loyal and of her own volition, as opposed to a slobbery brain-less order following dog. I have books on fiction, books of nonfiction, books to teach me japanese and I have a case of beer in the fridge as well as delicious snacks and fruits and veggies. I am cooking now for fun, I am writing for fun, I am getting up in the morning and exercising for fun and strength and I don't really think I've ever felt prettier in my life. Things are alright for me.   

My boss reprimanded me for not taking my supervisors seriously.
Afterwards, I felt so sexy I smoked a cigarette and sang with the radio.

I deactivated my facebook.
I miss David.

I just have to improvise
Me and sam r gonna see animal COllective
I am the only one who likes this cd so I'm pumped. Had a fantasy about heckling dan deacon on stage. excited....to make it a reality. /
Gonna buy my first AC shirt.
What up.
Representing the ABQ

therapy is hilariously helpful while everything else that happens in life is confusing and I hope it's helping? Am I doing the right thing? I never do know. I love eating up risks like right in front of me-like alice in wonderland eating things with labels and not even questioning them at all like man that was brave as fuck. Being drugged by the big man and getting dragged into things she wasn't ready to handle hoping that she can claw her way out to normalcy with a better understanding of this complicated world? My therapist thinks I was drugged when I was raped but I drug myself every other day. Maybe I was. He was a big bad wolf. But aren't they all?

In therapy, I'm supposed to say they aren't.
But sometimes I just like to pretend to get by.

I can't shake the idea that so many of the things that have happened to me have been done as punishments to myself. I feel like maybe the reason Kyle screamed at me on the phone was because I deserved it and the nights when he made me stay in...He saw me at all my worst moments and he was so proud, so proud like I was something that he caught and owned and could tell what to do whenever he wanted. I'm just some goddamn horse that people beat with whips because when I get up and gallop around it isn't fair so they have to harrison bergeron me to death. That's what he was doing that night I can just smell it. He said, look at this little girl I need to put her in her place! And he did congratulations! And it keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on with every single new one. I have to feel inferior they have to put me in my place so that I can learn to wallow in shit because I've clearly never wallowed in shit before with my clear skin and my bright eyes. I have never been through ugly parts of life or hell so make me taste it you fucking bastards. That's what you think you goddamn dipshits. You have hollow carved in bones for eyes.

what does he want. He wants nothing, he has everything that he wants. leaving me with nothing. I have nothing at all. I have a dead-end job and a dead-end novel with a broken heart that has pieces disintegrating in water. I have hives. and a terrible haircut. Meanwhile he has everything in the whole wide world. I won't ever get anything because I am pathetic, in love, pathetic, pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. disgusting, frail human. bad person. I am back at the fucking start. I'm in an old city. Fuck. I'm like the opposite of a grownup, mooching off of comfort. I hate myself. I am so disgusted with myself. I could've just stayed in denver, pretended nothing had ever happened, continued to sleep with a 21 year old and continue to lose track of my stupid stupid stupid dreams. I don't amount to anything as a human. I am a worthless piece of junk. I didn't learn anything or create anything. I am bad.