January 27, 2013

  • Okay so the point of a one-night stand is that it is kept a one-night stand and that if I want to, I can develop it further but if I don't I can get the fuck out of there. I love having sex early on because of a few reasons:
    1. You know what you're signing up for
    2. Chances are, it's not going to work out, so at least I got some sex
    3. I love having sex
    4. I'm clearly not going to fall in love with you if you're no good in bed. And if you're penis is small on top of that? Well.

    I'm pretty open to things, however. I've been with some tiny men. Me oh my.
    My therapist told me over and over again that I should not be having sex early on in a relationship. I just can't not do it that way~ Here are the reasons why:
    1. All the reasons mentioned above.
    2. I love sex. Again. I still love it.
    3. It's a way to really get to know somebody a lot quicker. Otherwise what do people do? Talk about the weather for three weeks?
    4. I literally do not believe that having sex early on changes the dynamic of the relationship. If you like me and I like you, why wouldn't it work out regardless of time frame of jumping into bed? Seriously?
    5. I'm a big flaming feminist. And also I think it's sexist against men to believe that a man is only going to pay attention to you until he gets his dick in you and then run off. That's preposterous. Men are puppy dogs.

    I have experienced several different types of relationships that have almost always involved sex. Sometimes good...I've made a clean break so far with the exception of relationships in St. Louis. All of my St. Louis relationships were the fucking worst. And I'm not saying that St. Louis was the cause of it. I just think it is hilarious. I've had really so much fun in bed in Iowa or in Denver or in Japan or in Chicago even I don't know what it is about this place!

    I was going to go into detail about them and then I realized that not all of them were terrible. What about Paul Kepley. Damn you Paul. You goddamn outlier.
    Shit man.
    It is hard to forget about that man. He was perfect. He was smart, he was interesting, he was so sweet and he had the biggest most perfect dick ever. And go figure, nature happened, I couldn't love him. I love him in every single way. He is literally the greatest person you will ever meet and you should be sad if you were never friends with him. God he was fantastic. Oh wow, that really changes everything. Every day of my life it sucks that I don't love him. And I fall in love easily! And hard. Goddammit goddammit goddammit. I forget because this situation is embarrassing and stupid. It's like my chemistry is messed up. And as punishment, I've had to go through life sifting through assholes. Assholes assholes assholes.

    Here's what I was in a tiff about. When I moved home I ended up working at the mall for a while and it was a dark dark period. I was in a deep depression and I hadn't figured out why yet, so I was avoiding everybody I knew and laying low. But I was also in a relationship that was long-distance and it was fueled by passion and wanting...but it was also a relationship that I knew was sadly unhealthy. I loved Luis quite a lot and he was smart and great and fun and wonderful in bed and incredibly handsome but too unpredictable to make a bet on. I need a strong man who won't drag me down and as much as I love him he wasn't going to college, didn't seem to be planning on it, and you know la di da. It's much more complicated than that, obviously.
    Anyway, we ended up breaking it off and I was still at my parent's off depressed as fuck trying to find ways of warding off the depression-smoking a lot of weed and drinking and any stress relieving activities I could find and I ended up in a small tryst one night with a guy that I met at the mall (har har) and it made me feel a lot better about things but I made the decision not to see him again. The reason why? Because he freaked me the fuck out.

    My therapist is helping me with trust issues and not to be scared of things that ought not to scare people, which is sensible and makes sense because those are what normal people go through with date-rape, but I am not a cautious cat. I am not really scared of men. I have a tendency to hurt their egos for fun. I laughed at Zach when he threatened to kill me and I had a long relationship with a guy who notoriously tried to strangle his best friend with a belt. But as of late, I am trying to be a tiny bit more cautious. I am not paranoid nor have I ever been. It took me almost 3 years to realize that I had been raped and frankly, most of the time I wish I hadn't realized it because it is so painful to think about it I don't want to have it as a part of my life. To think a friend would just take you into a bedroom and get you messed up so he could thrust his dick in your mouth. Why? Why would anyone ever do that? But there are warning signs in life, there are always warning signs, and I'm trying to see if I can follow them instead of blatantly ignoring them because my Mother was actually asked out by a serial killer once and she felt he was odd so she turned him down. And I don't want to be paranoid at all, but there have been some significant warning labels that should've indicated to me that I needed to get out of certain things perhaps earlier than later. For instance;
    When Tori told me that Zach hit her. Sadly, my instinct was to just ignore Tori for the awful fact that I just happen to trust women WAY less than men. Which is something I have long since overcome. Tori was right, Zach was a bad man. I was lucky he never hit me.
    The most daunting warning sign of them all was that I was actually warned to stay away from my rapist. I wish I had taken the warning more literally and had entirely avoided him. But everything fell apart. In high school, I had a puppy dog childish crush on the guy. I dated his friend who was a good man. His friend dumped me which was fine, but when I told him about my puppy dog feelings, he told me "Whatever you do, do not date that guy. Do not go after him." And he wouldn't tell me why. I don't want to know why he said it back then. The less I know, the better I feel. I can imagine all sorts of horrible things. Unfortunately, when I was in college and I tried to make a platonic friendship, all I got was tricked, trapped, and fucked in the mouth. He is capable of evil things and I am afraid of him.
    But anyway, so back to this guy from the mall. So, here are the things he told me that I'm taking as warning signs.
    1. He worked in a morgue for a long time and apparently has a numbness to seeing dead bodies. He said it doesn't affect him anymore.
    2. He had some kind of estranged relationship with his parents and family.
    3. He said some kind of completely racist thing when I picked him up and was waiting for me to like agree with him? I was not super pleased with that.
    4. He is living with his ex girlfriend in a fucking closet. It's the tiniest apartment in the world. It's like a one bedroom that hardly even has a bedroom and the kitchen is part of the bedroom and the bathroom has no lock it's like so small. He broke up with his girlfriend and he's still living with her in super close quarters. That's creepy and weird and what the fuck.
    5. He seems to not be phased at all about death. He told me he had been in motorcycle accidents over 16 times and that he'd broken just about everything but he still rides it. Super wasted. Super fast. Just doesn't care? Or he likes toying with death? What a weirdo.
    Anyway, the guy scares me. And UNFORTUNATELY he knows where I work. I try really hard to keep where I work and what I'm doing secret in general so this shit doesn't ever happen, but I let it slip that I was applying for a job at this hotel (because for god's sakes i was embarrassed working at a mall and probably wanted to seem impressive or something) and he fucking CAME into my fucking job. I was relieved because he brought some girl with him so maybe he won't bother me anymore? (hoping hoping hoping) but seriously it scared me. He is a bad man. I just wanted to have a taste and then have him go away but great, now I gotta deal with this shit. Really?

    You know what, I hate you St. Louis. Fuck you. You're such a dick to me. I don't care anymore. I come back and suddenly it's like everybody thinks I'm gonna sleep with them. Brandon has been harassing me for fucking forever trying to make me feel like I'm an asshole if I don't submit to him. My rapist proved his point all in my mouth. And then even Eric being inappropriate towards me after all these years of trusting him? And now I got Chance stalking me this whole fucking city gives me a goddamn headache. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Why is Sam May here and Saturn and my wonderful parents? I need to make a lot of money so I can move them all out to California and get the fuck out of here jesus christ.