I was alright and suddenly they played george harrison on the radio and it came flooding to me. I was enjoying my valentines day high as usual and the fear came. when I see someone it comes and it eats me and my throat and my chest. my body rejects this town. I hate it so much. I saw Carly and she rolled her cunt ass eyes at me. I saw devins brother and it scared the FUCK out of me. I know all these things about devin and i dont know if weve ever spoken a word to each other. im scared of all these people they eat my skin. im so scared of them go away go away go away my rapist is all over them he is crawling out of their stomachs. maddie is my rapist. she is the devil. I hate st. louis so much GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL

I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm usually more in touch with the world and I've lost it. I feel like a lone wanderer again. I really don't think I've learned anything since I was in the 3rd grade and I had a crush on a boy and he didn't give a shit about me. Then there was a brief period of time where I kind of got the message that people were falling in love with me. Then suddenly I had it dragged from me and I was taught that I was a bitch with broken legs to life. I wish that things had gone differently, but now that they are like they are, how should I react? Does the pain I was dragged through mean that life is going to be better soon? I had a few brief hints at my future tonight. They were subtle and not so subtle. And at the same time, I was dipped like a piece of soft white bread into oil. I was unexpectedly dipped into my past. I hate it. I struggle and I squirm. I am a coward. With so much fear in my heart and my head sometimes I wonder how I can go on. I feel like it has come to a point where I truly test people. There are people who were in my past that I have discovered to be true friends. And there are people I've had to cut off. Things keep going around in circles and I feel no closer to God. 

Every single day I'm shocked by more and more of how much of an asshole David can be! What a complete turn around from the sweet meek romantic I once knew! What happened to him?

It's Sam's birthday and that's the best because Sam is the best! I will always be best friends with the pastor!

I went over to Saturn's tonight to her boyfriend's apartment. There was carpet everywhere and it was very very small and in a weird spot where you can hear the train perfectly (Ha ha, I love hearing the train but apparently other people don't like stuff like that?) Anyway, they have one bedroom and the bathroom is in the bedroom and the kitchen was very tiny. He came home about an hour after I got there and brought us pizza which was nice. It was fantastic pizza. I have to get the name. He mentioned that he and Saturn eat wings extremely often. I felt bad. I would hate to eat wings all the time. It would drive me nuts. We watched bridezillas and talked about our future weddings and she kept talking about the wrinkles people get on the top of their forehead if they frown too much. I have smile wrinkles. I bought steffi two bird toys from walmart. Spoiled much?

I think the world is full of endless possibilities like "How do I cut my hair next" I want really badly to do something super fun to it but I have to be careful because my hotel is a bunch of conservative nit-pickers and apparently our GM is like some kind of fanatic. I've noticed that he is mutually hated by almost every single person in the hotel that has ever had contact with him. The most fascinating was when Tom Cole had to stand next to him and the way he twitched with anger and resentment like he was standing next to a corrupt corporate alligator lawdy lawd.
I am in a sick spot I've been branded with a big fat honking gas bill which on my address it says "two floors" and I think I just got a bill for everybody's heat and gas and it is strange. I'll have to contact my landlord so I can figure out what's going on as well as laclede gas again. I already got a hundred dollars taken off the bill but that still leaves about a hundred more! It's a bad situation space man.
I will do anything for my allies and I'll bite the hands off my enemies. I'm not afraid of anything but I am sure for sure that I am walking into a dragon trap. Speaking of dragons!
So the end is coming near for this awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful year and what a terrible year it's been! And I am just gonna tell you this right now that I am gonna celebrate in style. My last few days of year of the dragon. And Sunday the snake starts up and we're all safe.

I really have the world's best cat.

So I read Cosmo's account of people who have been in 3 ways and it was the most accurate and amazing thing I've ever seen. There was only one positive story about a 3 way and the rest were increasingly negative. There was even a story about how this gal had dated this slimy guy who brought his hairy buddy over and she just said no I can't I can't it was so fucking funny. And then there was one really crazy one about this guy who just sounds like the world's biggest douchebag. It was about how this guy had started dating this girl's roommate and one time he came over while they were drunk and forced the roommate (his girlfriend) to go down on this gal and she was not into it at all and he just started fucking the other girl instead of his girlfriend and then he started sleeping with her in secret and then he told his girlfriend "hey so I was just using you to get to your roommate" and then they started dating and then he broke up with her because he didn't want to commit to long distance.
I feel like I know 20 guys like that.
Anyway, 3 ways always make me think of Pierce Smith who is comical as fuck in my eyes. The last time I talked to him all he said to me was I want to have a three way with you and Tori. For Christs sake like we were pretty princesses he wanted to put on display or something. Like, man, you are such a piece of work (and such a mediocre writer). I am happy all the time that I never slept with him. It was fun to take him and put the yarn above his head for a while, but boy did he know how to make a woman just run off.
The fun thing about past relationships is sometimes I actually can't remember what happened to make them end. There are some relationships I remember way too much about but some of them I'm like okay and then there was this space of time where we stopped talking and then I never saw him again. I have decided finally to curb myself and never talk about a boy that I'm dating again because it's kind of annoying every time I explain why I like a guy, why we're not meant for each other, and then why the tiger tail got cut off.
Ohhhhh I was going to write about something else but I forget. What was it what was it what was it what was it.
I got distracted because I was watching a 12 year old launch a hello kitty into space. Oh man, that was good.
shoot, now I'm thinking about more important things than fun love things.
I remember now!
I read in Cosmo as well that this couple that were in a band together or something broke up and it was because the guy wanted kids and the girl didn't and holy christ that really creeped me out because I'm totally jonsing for a guy who told me he wanted kids but I'd rather die than give birth jesus christ. It's like there goes all the fun I could have in life, all the time I could spend learning and exploring and teaching and traveling the earth because I'm going to sacrifice it on a goddamn selfish little animal who could end up in jail for all I know or smoking weed in my basement all day. Plus, I'm white. The world does not need anymore white people. Oh god what if I give birth to Tosh.0? That would be the worst/ SUPER scary idea.
I don't really buy that he wants kids but this is the way men work. They decide one day "yeah, I am going to have children" like they need to do it and it's an easy easy easy fucking decision. I can't just say "oh I want to give birth" like it's choosing a haircut or something. My body will get completely disfigured probably forever so I can spend months of holding a kid around and I can literally guarantee I will have postpartum depression and I do not want to live with screaming babies and dogs why oh why fuck the american dream.
I seriously cannot think of one benefit of having a child. There are only negative aspects. Arguments within the relationship of those who take care of the child (what is the right way to do what) and then isolation from friends and family and work and then the fact that I will be a fucking fat loser who buys cheap clothes and cheap underwear and cheap things because that's all I can afford if I want to fund my fucking fat babies college and grad school tuition. Also, having to hang out with infuriating fucking "mother" people who spend all their time bragging about how they gave birth and they are raising a kid so they understand hardship and everything else more than regular women. Are you fucking kidding me?
Pass on all fronts.
And finally, life is depressing as fuck. Every single day is a goddamn struggle. It's a struggle to wake up. It's a struggle to get ready. It is not a struggle to make friends. It's a struggle to find a job. It's a struggle to find out what you're good at. Every single fucking thing is tough and hard and depressing and literally the only reason I'm still here on this planet is because I work my ass off to make it even remotely enjoyable. I still work hard every day. Do I really just want to spend my whole life working and working and working and then suddenly put a giant handicap on myself? Sorry, you have to dedicate your life to your child now. You have to dedicate all your love to your child. All the relationships you've ever worked so fucking hard to create in your life have to be sidelined forever so you can dedicate yourself to a selfish blob of skin who could turn out to be a mass murderer for all you know.
Not that I fucking have anything against people who have had kids already..but do I really have to become one of those people to have a full life?

毎日に仕事をすることだんだん悪いになりますよ。
ほかの所にいければいいのに。
なぜかこの場所で住んでいますか
「相変わらず」の意味はほんまにわかる。

あたしのネコ眠い。

I've been working so much and having only a little time to myself so I want this moment right now to drag out forever. Forever is not how long it will last. I will go and eat with my parents tonight and I want to bring my laundry over but I won't. I have been dreaming about all the places I want to go and visit and all the places I would rather be. I need to download microsoft word if I want to finish my novel and then finishing it will be the very last step.
Last night Sam and I went to see Justin's band play at this rich rich money bar called the Soulard House or something like that. It was so expensive and the bathrooms were awful. The boys bathroom had a bathroom attendant in it the bar was so rich, but apparently they weren't rich enough to fix the women's restroom which definitely did not have an attendant. It also had a stall with no door, a separate stall with no toilet seat, and the stall that I used which had a giant hole in it so you could watch me while I urinate and then the toilet paper was high above my head so I had to stand up to grab it. Justin is dating a very old man and his friends are fascinatingly incredibly old and it was fun for me and Sam to blend in with the old people. Once the woman told me that a guy who ordered a round of (I believe it was 3) irish carb bombs was paying 42$ for it, Sam and I made the conscious decision to tip the Miley Cyrus waitress only a dollar each. Then we drove to an oyster bar and I ordered us a round of oysters and we sat next to a fire at a quiet table and watched hockey and talked discussed in depth various topics including the concept of "luck" and succeeding in life, things we knew about Canada, Marineland, and how tiny the bathroom was. The oysters were great and I put a ton of this weird spicy stuff on them that messed me up and we drank tall pbrs. On the way back to my apartment I listened to my oldies station and they played Roy Orbison and I felt like I was tripping balls because you know my favorite movie ever

Then Sam and I watched it's always sunny and he headed out and I went to sleep with my little cat.

It is incredibly hard to do anything with this cat. She is always hanging around. And now she is purring and staring at my computer I am trying to write a blog entry thank you! I remember how Maddie used to always talk about dogs like she was trying to shove shit in my face about how great it was to love a dog or something. She was like a living breathing version of "Dog Shaming" and boy was it annoying. Nobody trains their dogs and every time I meet one and I get excited and love the thing and then there are like so many deal-breakers.
Elyse's deal breakers for dogs:
-Why are you not trained stop jumping on me, barking constantly, freaking out over nothing, shitting on the floor, staring at me like the most pathetic goddamn piece of shit while I'm eating, stealing my food, eating the trash, shitting on the floor and then eating it, barfing on everything that I love, biting children-the list goes on and on
-Christ almighty there is hair everywhere and slobbery stuff on my fingers
-Why would you pretend like you love me when you don't even know me? It's degrading.

My dream dog:
I totally want like a Shiba Inu or a Bernese Mountain Dog and I would train the fuck out of that dog. It would know my habits and appreciate me and be silent and intelligent and fucking not trust anybody just like I do and attack people when I tell it to. I would not tolerate animalistic poor behavior. I do not want the experience of having a dog to be like giving birth to a baby. I want it to be like having a partner.

Anyway this is a pointless entry that will probably just make people hate me.
Just like everything else!!!

I am such a drama queen and it has been worse and worse of late. Unfortunately my regular schedule started so I cannot be a little cat adventurer anymore. However, it is shocking to have some normalcy introduced into my life. It is calming me and forcing me back to focus. I must focus for I need to finish my work before summer. It is not that daunting of a process, however, I am keen on ignoring it and have not been pursuing my work with vigor. You must understand that it is frightening for me to finish my novel. Nothing is more frightening than that for I have no idea how I will market it. I am not necessarily a terrible advertiser but I am new to the idea. I am uninterested in fame or anything of the sort but I do need money. I think I can get it published if I'm smart about it. I have had many many opportunities to promote my novel by word of mouth which I have not necessarily done a great job of doing. I need to: 
A. have more faith in my work (it is quite great, anyway)
B. Not be embarrassed about myself as a human

Anyway I am reading "Cloud Atlas" which is a big inspiration because it is HORRIBLE. It is not intelligently written, nor does it have any kind of fascinating style that I can bite into, nor does it have captivating characters and it is horrendously long. I have no idea what I am going to do with it when I'm done but I really feel like ripping it apart page by page. I really feel bad that I don't like it because I read the afterword by the author and he doesn't seem like a bad guy. But what an awful book! Jesus christ.
I think my cat is pissed at me for taking so long to get to cuddle time. I'm sorry steffi. In the meantime I have to figure out what to eat tonight. I really want to eat my leftovers from the night before. I am so hungry! And god it was so good. Elyse I love your cooking.
I've in the meantime kind of drawn a blank on what to cook in the future. I have just been making things up as I go along. It's so rewarding and it just makes me ravenous to think about.
BBL GOTTA GET FOOD