January 25, 2013

  • I finished reading my helper book thing this morning so that was a good leap forward. It had a section at the very end which helped define everything out for me and helped me realize that I can confidently exclaim what actually happened to me was a real thing, and that I was not at fault, I was not the one who caused it, I am not some fluid being that is waiting to be tortured and what not.
    Life has been curious of late and I have spent more time meditating than mouthing off recently. I am soaking it all in like a little wet foal but I mean really, I get to take everything in with a new light. I get to see the world from the eyes of a confident person with a confident body. I have lost my confidence in some areas (just a few hiccups in bed) and I will regain those soon enough. I was lucky enough to run into a stranger from the past who shook me with his continually present desire and good-nature. However, he also is riddled with strange doubt, anxiety, and certain dark things that I am sensitive too at this moment. Far too sensitive. I am letting things in and no one can be allowed to take the reigns on my part. I am not someone who leans, however. It would be a harsh mistake to think such a way. I have never bowed down to another person's will with the exception of br'er rabbit who came and stole my dignity and happiness. My friends from high school were not friends, they were all bad people. And I am trying to see if maybe there might be some goodness there, as well. I know for a fact that I cannot ever again come across Maddie and Eric and even Caitlin maybe they were all poison or poisoners for that matter. They created a character for me out of thin air and decided that Elyse would be that even though Elyse is not that and will never be that. I am not sad about this anymore or angry even, but there are moments where leaving St. Louis becomes such an intoxicating notion that I feel wet even thinking about it. I am scared to tell anyone where I would go in case they would follow me. I quit facebook and it feels so good. It's like I got a 24-7 boner from it, I don't even know. I don't have to worry about other people-whether they are following their dreams or not. I am following a dream so la-di-da. I don't even know how I got pulled into it, but at least I have a tiny little goal that I am chasing. It feels good, but I am overwhelmed with a sudden thought that time might be running out. My computer is dying...it is unhealthy and sick and I am sad because it is my beast that I need. My parents are talking about retirement and my Dad wants my mom to travel the world with him. I want that to happen too while they're still young. My lover is impatient and scared of me, hoping that I am not just frivolous and flitting away my life. I am going to have to bounce back into happiness much sooner than I thought. Only good will come of it and I am already sleeping better than I have for years. Something incredible is going to happen at the other end of this. I don't know if I'll ever be the same as I was in the past (I was so happy!!!) but in the very least I will try my best to be as happy and content as possible. As for the big bad wolf himself, it sounds like success is probably a difficult thing for him. I think he did what he did to me because he had no control of anything in his life (well he was living with his goddamn parents accomplishing jack shit) and maybe he thought he could feel better if he pissed on the spark that I had inside me. The problem for him is going to be the fact that it caused me to become tough, beautiful, and a writer. What did it accomplish for him? The same thing everything else he's ever done has accomplished for him. Sweet, subtle, short term satisfaction. As for me, if I see him again, he will know that he has a prickly cactus to deal with. I have traveled the world, I have lived for a year in solitude and meditation, I have written a heart-rendering thing that is nearing it's completion, I have gained job experience, money, love, and I have made tight knit friendships as well as garnered a kinship that is tighter than most humans ever get to have with their parents, I have gotten into the love and science of sports, and I know Japanese. I still did these things even when he trapped me in his bedroom and masturbated into my mouth. I have an apartment that is big and spacious and lovely that is full of neat things, and I have a one-eyed cat who is nothing but affectionate and kind and loyal and of her own volition, as opposed to a slobbery brain-less order following dog. I have books on fiction, books of nonfiction, books to teach me japanese and I have a case of beer in the fridge as well as delicious snacks and fruits and veggies. I am cooking now for fun, I am writing for fun, I am getting up in the morning and exercising for fun and strength and I don't really think I've ever felt prettier in my life. Things are alright for me.