I didn't know that Christmas Eve was today and fuck do I not want that day to be today. It is the 3rd year anniversary of my rape and I am listening to the Pogues and thinking about dying. Therapy has caused me to be particularly exhausted but last night I woke up with night terrors. I am doing the biggest test which is lying in my bed at home on christmas eve and that's going to be hard to do. I wish it was Christmas tradition to smoke a lot of weed. I am falling behind in things I need to do as I climb a ladder to get better. I slip back to go forward. My cat is very loyal to me and she stays by my side no matter what. I am impressed with her dedication but I guess there is nobody else in this apartment. I gave her food and water and cleaned her litterbox merry christmas cat. I wish it was Christmas tradition to get drunk as fuck because I'd be getting wasted right now. But i gotta go to work. I am going to bring my book to do research so I can finish my material for my novel. I gotta bring enough stuff to occupy myself tomorrow because tomorrow is going to be boring as fuck. Sarah and Dom were somewhat accommodating yesterday? They like dashed off like they were on fire or something. I am not fun to hang out with or talk to right now. I am a sour whiskey kitten. Stay back. 

Ford is in Europe and nobody knows why. I had a bunch of people over at my apartment yesterday and it was lovely and warm and I kept falling asleep. Slept heavy last night. I'm growing out my armpit hair because fuck you society. I went with Sam to the galleria today. He was whining and bitching a bunch so I kept trying to calm him down and I think  he actually felt bad for whining so much and even went to the loop with me after. I know that things are bad and not fun at a mall or anywhere in general but if you just try to have a good time or a decent time and not focus on all things terrible it can be not so bad. I always enjoy anything miserable more if I'm with sam because he is a great friend. I tried the macaroni at bread co and it is amaziiiiing! I love it. At the loop I bought a bunch of albums for my Dad and I bought an eyeball pipe for myself which I'm greatly excited for. I wish I had my coach box so I could store everything in there again. I need to get like a smoking suitcase to keep everything together. I saw my aunt and uncles and my Dad was too sick to go. He is so sick he can't even talk. He slept all day. My Dad's favorite thing on the planet of all things is christmas. He said to me sadly when the cold was oncoming "Why do I always get sick on christmas?" and it's true. I think last christmas he had the stomach flu and was barfing the whole time. I got a really cool shirt from inechi. Can't wait to get that tattoo but I gotta wait till I'm outta state ya know. My great grandpa's architectural firm designed the ACT center in Iowa and my aunt louis had another one of his pieces of art that she gave to Craig instead of my Mom which is frankly kind of fucked up. Especially because she literally said "i was thinking about giving this to kari but then decided to give it to craig" and it's like yo, that's her grandfather too can we have like a little slice of his art? My cat has been following me everywhere and sitting on me. I felt really sad my dad wasn't there tonight. My present from my aunt was this crazy giant bowl which I guess I can use food to serve guests? But I like don't really cook. Or have a huge group of friends. It was kind of un-elysian. Otherwise, the gift certificates to all these places just around where I live? Very smart. savvy. An excuse to check out the town. Apparently there is an icecream place down here only open on weekends. I definitely need to stop by there. I ended the night with talking to David which is always pleasurable. We talk about life things. We are both life things drifting on this planet. I'm glad that he is understanding that I am going a bit crazy during this brief period. I love it. Some people are so loving. Others are not. He liked my story about the aquarium in Osaka with the Mom pointing out fish to her kid and declaring "美味しい！” It's nice.
We talked about Mizuno Sensei a bit too. In the meantime, fish were hurdling away from a soft skinned shark on the television and sponges and sea anemones were crawling all over the screen sprouting buds. It was horrifying and beautiful and eerie at the same time. I feel such longing that I have to cage up, like a man diving with the sharks.

Last night Sam and I made chocolate covered strawberries and ate half of them and there is still a giant plate of them in the fridge if anybody wants them. Mom insisted I come over and tempted me with ribs. I might've eaten so much that I got sick in the stomach last night. I don't have any beer in the house so it was kind of one of those things. It's hard to buy beer when you live right next to a bar. I live right next to a bar.
My cat and I watched how I met your mother and went to sleep. There is a pillow next to my head coated with hair. It's because she likes to sleep next to my head. I'm really annoyed and lovelorn today. I am trying to be a good human but sometimes I get sick of it. I kind of want to pop a cap in someone's ass sometimes.
I had a lot of adventures this year and most of them were bad and not good. I don't really understand how this year could be dragged out any longer. I feel like I've lived 7 lifetimes in this year alone. It worries me as to what next year is going to be like. If someone has had a million adventures are they destined to have a million more? I feel like I filled out a booklet that said "Do you want to keep wandering earth like a lost soul" and I put a checkmark next to the "yes" box.
Your life is halfway over but you feel like it's halfway beginning? There are hardly any good people left on this planet.
I'm tired of being someone anybody has ever looked up to. Look down on me! Look down!

Okay so I'm totally failing at this assignment so the purpose of this is to do a pre-writing to get me into the mood of writing. I literally couldn't do it last night. I was getting all ready to go and I couldn't get my mind together. I mean, wait, that's a lie. I was at work till 11 pm. And I took my laundry home. When I took it home I found out that my laundry machine was broken or something and it took 2 hours to wash a load of clothes. I don't know why it took so long. My Dad and I watched the Punisher then I watched Lost in Translation then I watched Soul Surfer with Emily and then I watched a movie called "Wicker Tree" which is a more accurate remake of Wicker Man than Ol' Saint Nick Cage's version. It even had fucking Christopher Lee in it. Okay. I'm avoiding everything.

So in my quest to distract myself I went ahead and I was on her facebook page. As in her, I mean the current misses. She had had a discussion with me about music where she clearly assumed I did not know anything about music. Sorry, that was me pausing to ignore my homework again. She didn't think I knew anything about music which is ridiculous because I know a fucking lot more than her. She is pathetic, wrapping herself in fantasy and low grade highly recommended if you want to be fucking cool shit. But like, if you wanted to be cool 14 years ago or something. Eh, maybe more like 20. Anyway, the point is, I wasn't hearing her voice. She was merely a gremlin carrying a message. There was him rubbed all over her. He is the true devil. I don't know if you have met the devil before but I definitely have one. He is the worst human being I have ever met because he personally made it his mission to go out and subdue me. Like a man with a rope attempting to break a horse. But it couldn't be another horse, it had to be me.

It was like he saw that I was smiling and enjoying my life and exploring so many things and loving so many things more than him that he had to stop me. He wanted so badly for me to be hurt and he giggled and thought what would be the best way to explore this. I don't know what he's capable of because even in my moments of bitterness I want to love him and accept him as a stranger in the past who didn't mean to hurt me. But I believe he did, ya know? I believe he did it with a purpose. I believe he rode up to me and he wanted me to see the suffering in life. And he showed me in the harshest way possible. I have learned to be alone and love it, but when I'm alone in St. Louis, all I can think of is a musty bedroom with grandma curtains lovingly installed and it is a boring house in a boring neighborhood that is so boring I have to use a map to get there. Not just once, but every SINGLE time. That's how cookiecutter it is. And he's pulling me in, lusting after the fact that he can make me feel delirious and awful...because perhaps he knows and he sees it...but I have no interest in him whatsoever. I am merely there, by duty. He called and INSISTED I come over. It wasn't a request. He insisted. He insisted I show up. I didn't have a choice. I was a cup of water.

I am lying on the ground I am lying in my own dreams and visions trying to see the end of this kaleidoscopic nightmare. HE is Japan but much less apparent! He is wrapped up in his own vision and he uses it to get things. He got me and laid semen down my throat. In Japanese folklore, if you swallow semen, you die. I believe he really did kill me that night. When I went to Japan I had so many days that I woke up and I thought I was dead. I literally thought I was dead. I just didn't know who the murderer was. He is worse than a tumor because I can't tell the doctors to get it out. I can take drugs to ignore it, run to ignore it, sleep and hope I don't dream of him because I saw him at the baseball game. He was sneaking up behind the red haired girl. He was green and tall and had hooves. That was him! That was the devil.

I don't know how to rid myself of him and I want him out so badly. I don't know what to do. I am in the woods now. I am in St. Louis, praying every single day that I get kidnapped but knowing that I HAVE to be here. If I want to face this. If I want to work it out. I dream of being a famous author so that I can buy my parents and Sam May a house in California and NEVER come back. I will never come back to this city again. Even if God is screaming in my hair and ants are invading my room and biting me and there is death in the woods. I am a lichen. I am his sponge bath. He carried this feeling in him. He wanted me to bow down to him. He wanted me to surrender to him. How did he get it to work?

HE offered me a cup of wine. At this point, my therapist says "Did he drug you?" And I hesitate. "He couldn't be capable of that" I said, completely non-reassuringly. What happened with the wine? God what happened with it? I drank a little bit, but I felt so drowsy, so fucked up. I didn't drink that much. Im capable of holding my drink. I can control myself. But in his bed my physically self got up and left the house where he had trapped me. I saw the outline of the bar on the stairs and the carpet on the stairs. I could see his doorway EXACTLY as it is! I was walking out, free, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave at all. I had to sit there and take it. And then I passed out. How did I pass out? How was I so messed up? He couldn't have ever drugged me. Impossible. Where would he get the drugs, living like a slug in his parent's house. Unless maybe he put some kind of sleeping thing in there. No. I saw him pour it....didn't I? Did I see him pour the first cup? I remember it was a soft plastic cup. I can't remember. I can't remember if it was glass or soft plastic. I can't remember. I can't remember if I saw him pour it or not. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember any of this. I want it to go away. I want to logic it away in a file. I want it to be gone. I want it to be dead. I want to be dead from it.

When I was in Japan, I thought I had literally died.

When I went back to Iowa City, I knew I was in a wonderful place, but I knew it wouldn't ever be the same.

When I was in Denver I would wake up mornings and have no idea where I was. No. Fucking. Clue.

I reluctantly was dragged to the source of my wound and now I have to rot in it.

I can't watch that stupid fucking Lost in Translation movie without becoming sentimental towards Japan. I need to go back. There's nowhere else on this planet where you can learn to feel like you are truly alone and that you are the only human left on the planet. I love that, just love that. So much reading gets done. You soak it in. Drink a lot of whiskey.

I feel like he isn't interested in me at all. Should I go hunting? I got a call very late tonight from my neighbor. It's tempting because I have holes to fill. I'm so fucked up right now though it's unbelievable. Level ten. Death.

Last night I worked my ass off trying to focus and not be flustered at work and we were getting smashed and I was handing out drink coupons left and right. I watched my coworker kind of diCKing with people which doesn't fly on my boat. If some lady is being a bitch just chillax God will take care of her karma. Some people are untrusting in this world. They come in and they don't trust they don't think they'll get anything from you because you don't care about them. Frankly, I care about you, so step up to the front desk and I will give you a warm smile, free breakfast, and check you into your room. That is the Elyse way. Whatever.
Okay so I TOOK a web design class in high school and I'm not an idiot I know a little thing or two about HTML. Therefore, it is complete bullshit that my link on my tumblr doesn't work simply linking you to this site. I cant figure it out. It leads you to the main page of xanga for some reason instead. I feel so angry at it. I might have to tamper with it. Honestly, getting my html fixed on tumblr has been a nightmare. I had to ask Tori to help me because my computer wouldn't do it. My system was outdated. fuck me, man.
Last night I came home and I talked with David for a while and when he left I smoked up and I watched True Life and that wasn't doing it for me so I smoked some more and I watched Mad Men and that wasn't doing it for me so I smoked more and hooked up my netflix to my PS3 which was incredibly hard at this point of me trying to function and then I watched "My So-Called Life" which was gothic as fuck and I started drifting to sleep. I have a ghost presence in my apartment so I was dealing with strange creaks and cracks all night. My cat was lifting her head up to every strange noise and so was I until I got bored with the whole thing. A giant brown bug danced across the floor and I chased it screaming "You're dead fucker!" and smashed it with a magazine. Then I started to pass out so I crawled to bed. When I woke up in the morning I found a picture on the internet that really looks like my ex boyfriend getting his dick rubbed: I don't know. It's hard for me to tell but it's impossible. It can't be him...right?
I'm too lazy to finish the Walking Dead.
Free Leech Baby.

Fuck you. If you're not in my wolf pack, get out. Get out.
I want to be in Iowa. I've never lived here. I have no idea what city this is. My apartment is a castle. Don't come in here. There's me, my cat, job, woods with sam, bar and as far as I'm concerned, that's it. I'd rather scrape my teeth out.
I had a dream that Maddie was rich and was playing croquet and she gave me a false smile interaction. I was trying to park my car correctly and I couldn't do it. I'd rather be in Robert's bed than in the loop. I'd rather be in the basement of my old apartment freezing to death, reading about Mao, no home at all, helpless on the streets, my car getting filled with parking tickets, knowing I am not needed, not loved, not wanted then to be in the goddamn basement of my own house. I love you man, I love you cuz the only people you know in St. Louis are your roommate and me. We'll have a party like nobody else exists.

In a few brief moments I am getting to live in the weirdest moments of my life. It went from being great, I know I have a problem and getting over it to realizing that life does not make sense in the slightest. eric and I talked tonight and he felt like it was a good talk and I didn't feel that way at all. I tried for the 5th time to explain the whole rape thing to him and he said over and over again "It's not rape, it's like if you have sex with your girlfriend and she doesn't feel like having sex" Like he didn't get it at all. I then hung out with Danny Batten and Brandon Shao and it wasn't fun it was weird. They were depressed. Brandon, less so. Laura came for a minute and I saw the best exchange I might have ever seen.
Danny Batten: "Oh, here comes Laura. Oh nooo I only ever say mean things to her!"
Laura comes up.
Danny: "Can I just say this...you have gotten fat!"
Laura: "Well, the rest of me is pretty normal, but I think my nose is still growing bigger and bigger, what do you think?"
Danny: .....(excuses himself to the restroom in shame)
It was amazing.
Tonight, oh what happened tonight. nothing. last night, this is better.
I come home from an annoying day at work. I want to drink. I go to the bar that's seven steps away from me. I put on these stockings and garter because they're all I have that's clean (what, I haven't done laundry since I moved in...so what) SO I get to the bar and I step up to the counter and I order a white russian. The gal hands me a white russian and it's like milk shake sized. I aimlessly meditate on the TV in front of me. I wait, I sit, I wait. A young man appears while I'm halfway through the russian. He is very handsome. He checks me out. Looks away. Checks me out again. Starts talking to me. We talk about the usual-bands, dead kennedys, japan, dropping out of college, dead end jobs, piano lessons. We keep drinking. They're handing out free shots now. We start talking about where we live. I tell him about my apartment complex and he says he's right across the street from me. Suddenly he gets quiet.
"I can't tell you this I can't tell you this I can't say it."
"What is it? Now you HAVE to say it."
He tells me that the person in my apartment complex hanged themselves. Launches into a thick story about a guy in a long relationship with another guy who gets broken up with and kills himself. Weird part about the whole thing is when I tell people later this tale, they are shocked when they find themselves discovering I live in the graveyard of a man, but when I tell them it was for love, they nod their heads understanding.

So now it's time to go and I realize my stockings are falling down and I can't do anything about it. Also, I'm wasted. The guy stands up when I do.

"I'm leaving" I say
"Wait" he says
He has a look in his eyes like he's found his future wife. Lovely blue eyes. I tell him I'll be back and he doesn't buy it. I need him to turn around so I can leave in grace. He won't turn away from me. He's staring at me.

"Would you like my phone number?" I ask
"Yes!"

So I give it to him and I wait for him to turn around and I flee back to my place. Run into my apartment and strip off my clothes and then get back to life and living. I realize I'm too wasted and I start throwing up in the toilet. Life takes a bite.

Death Grips. I talked to David on the phone today. I love talking to David. I love hanging out with David. I love being with David. He's so "Not" st. louis. He is very kind and sweet and he reminds me of all the other dreams I've ever had about the galaxy coming through right in front of my face. He is a telescope to see the stars. I am infatuated with grownupesque love. It's so weird to just spend hours of moments with a person and feel great. Not a lick of anxiety. Two grownups in a building. We deserve it.
Dogs are satans creature. I am making so many friends. Being here is arbitrary. I saw a boy from my elementary school smoking a cigarette. I remember the way he looked on the playground. That's sick incest right here. I can't wait to leave but for now I'll enjoy sin.
Love is so grownup.

I love my pink ipod from sophomore year. I listened to crazy shit and didn't care. I wanted to be the one that knew more about music than the other kids. You can see it barreling through the chambers.

IT is hard to do anything when you're in love because people are pulling at your waistcoat like fire ants and they won't be quiet and I fear the noise of my phone getting a text. I feel like life is hard because people want to get in my inner circle but my inner circle is a secret and it is so hard to get access. You have to be fucking smart, hard-working, responsible, know Japanese or desire to know it badly, read etc. I am a thing that floats around. I had a lot to drink tonight. more than usual. I went out and things happened. wish they didn't but they did. I made it home safe. I wish I was kissing you right now.

I was surprised by how well everything went but at the same time I was not surprised at all. That is always how life works, when you find yourself completely done with something or completely over a concept it rears up it's head at you. There is a circular pattern as well with low dips and highs. There are lives falling around us like rain drops and I wonder about the shooting in Connecticut and how people are walking around one day and perfectly physically fine and living in cream puff worlds and suddenly they are seeing blood. I am not a participant in the eating of this world, I hope, but I can never tell when I'm setting off a yellow butterfly. I am, actually, feeling more like the one flitting around underneath the shoe. The world is full of nonsense like this. I've had colds before and my cat has a cold. I am uninterested in not being interested in everything. I must clean. Life became strangely orderly for a minute, and now 27 are dead.