December 18, 2012

  • In a few brief moments I am getting to live in the weirdest moments of my life. It went from being great, I know I have a problem and getting over it to realizing that life does not make sense in the slightest. eric and I talked tonight and he felt like it was a good talk and I didn't feel that way at all. I tried for the 5th time to explain the whole rape thing to him and he said over and over again "It's not rape, it's like if you have sex with your girlfriend and she doesn't feel like having sex" Like he didn't get it at all. I then hung out with Danny Batten and Brandon Shao and it wasn't fun it was weird. They were depressed. Brandon, less so. Laura came for a minute and I saw the best exchange I might have ever seen.
    Danny Batten: "Oh, here comes Laura. Oh nooo I only ever say mean things to her!"
    Laura comes up.
    Danny: "Can I just say this...you have gotten fat!"
    Laura: "Well, the rest of me is pretty normal, but I think my nose is still growing bigger and bigger, what do you think?"
    Danny: .....(excuses himself to the restroom in shame)
    It was amazing.
    Tonight, oh what happened tonight. nothing. last night, this is better.
    I come home from an annoying day at work. I want to drink. I go to the bar that's seven steps away from me. I put on these stockings and garter because they're all I have that's clean (what, I haven't done laundry since I moved in...so what) SO I get to the bar and I step up to the counter and I order a white russian. The gal hands me a white russian and it's like milk shake sized. I aimlessly meditate on the TV in front of me. I wait, I sit, I wait. A young man appears while I'm halfway through the russian. He is very handsome. He checks me out. Looks away. Checks me out again. Starts talking to me. We talk about the usual-bands, dead kennedys, japan, dropping out of college, dead end jobs, piano lessons. We keep drinking. They're handing out free shots now. We start talking about where we live. I tell him about my apartment complex and he says he's right across the street from me. Suddenly he gets quiet.
    "I can't tell you this I can't tell you this I can't say it."
    "What is it? Now you HAVE to say it."
    He tells me that the person in my apartment complex hanged themselves. Launches into a thick story about a guy in a long relationship with another guy who gets broken up with and kills himself. Weird part about the whole thing is when I tell people later this tale, they are shocked when they find themselves discovering I live in the graveyard of a man, but when I tell them it was for love, they nod their heads understanding.

    So now it's time to go and I realize my stockings are falling down and I can't do anything about it. Also, I'm wasted. The guy stands up when I do.

    "I'm leaving" I say
    "Wait" he says
    He has a look in his eyes like he's found his future wife. Lovely blue eyes. I tell him I'll be back and he doesn't buy it. I need him to turn around so I can leave in grace. He won't turn away from me. He's staring at me.

    "Would you like my phone number?" I ask
    "Yes!"

    So I give it to him and I wait for him to turn around and I flee back to my place. Run into my apartment and strip off my clothes and then get back to life and living. I realize I'm too wasted and I start throwing up in the toilet. Life takes a bite.

    Death Grips. I talked to David on the phone today. I love talking to David. I love hanging out with David. I love being with David. He's so "Not" st. louis. He is very kind and sweet and he reminds me of all the other dreams I've ever had about the galaxy coming through right in front of my face. He is a telescope to see the stars. I am infatuated with grownupesque love. It's so weird to just spend hours of moments with a person and feel great. Not a lick of anxiety. Two grownups in a building. We deserve it.
    Dogs are satans creature. I am making so many friends. Being here is arbitrary. I saw a boy from my elementary school smoking a cigarette. I remember the way he looked on the playground. That's sick incest right here. I can't wait to leave but for now I'll enjoy sin.
    Love is so grownup.

    I love my pink ipod from sophomore year. I listened to crazy shit and didn't care. I wanted to be the one that knew more about music than the other kids. You can see it barreling through the chambers.

Comments (2)

  • That's quite the opposite of what I said. Maybe you're just a bad listener? One thing I'm excited about with us not being friends anymore is that I won't have to worry about your purposeful distortions in this blog. I will miss you though.

  • @neal_br2 - See that's what I'm saying "purposeful distortions". Don't be ashamed of what you want and say what you want to say. If you don't believe me in what I say, that's fine. It's just, if you can't believe me when I tell you something this important I can't handle you not believing that. It makes me realize that everything I say to you must be "purposeful distortions" in your head. If I'm nothing but a pretty little liar in your universe count me out!

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