People are such disappointments all of the time. I am disturbed by myself when I complain and see myself having to complain about a situation that I cannot budge from. This is a desolate planet and you have to carve your way through the muck if you want to see any light. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of liars and weak people. I sit and I wait to see if I can have any members of my team appear but in the end it is easier to pull the sleigh myself. It is easier to struggle under the greatest weight of all and to be alone than to wait around for people to grow testicles. I am tired of the weaknesses that I find in men. Men are merely a mirage. The idea of their strength and their abilities is such a lie. They are merely corpses who feed off of women and wait for the right woman to show up so they can suck them dry of their strength. Do you have the balls to be a woman? It is the toughest thing because we actually work and we strive for change instead of just sitting around and hoping someone else will push us. Work hard to support husband, work hard to support friends, work hard to take care of animals and babies and grow living shit inside of us. Work hard to get up in the morning knowing that the earth is against us and that are friends hate us and men see us as feeding piles.
I am tired every day of waking up in this hell hole of a city. There is no worse place on earth than St. Louis. It is a city for weak people who feel nothing but happiness and desire to hide from the real world. This is a city for people who hate adventure. This is a city for cowards. I have met all the greatest cowards of my life here. They are so afraid to grow and change and move and to feel happy and to admit that they know nothing and they want to grow.
I was surprised by Kyle's spirit but in the end I knew I was stronger than he was. Every man I meet, I can sense his weakness like a wilting weedy flower. More and more I sense it. Only once have I been in the arms of a man and knew that he was a real man and that is bones were not trembling. He knew the value of hard work, he knew the value of raising a living thing and he knew the retribution of God. I continue to weed through a valley of cowardice and each boy is flimsier than the last. I stood up to a boy who was 10 years older than me, his hair growing white, and I told him what a child he was. Maybe he will forget about me right away but I will remember every single day how little he knew of life and how unwilling he had been to learn and move forward.

I'm so tired I can't do anything anymore

Everyone who is any kind of friend to me, any kind of acquaintance, anyone who cares just a little bit about me. Please, do not let David go near me. Don't let me talk to him. Don't let me seek him out. This is more important than anything I will ever write ever again.

I have to tell my brain to stop thinking so much because it gets really bad sometimes. Lately it has been worse than normal. Staying up all night because I can't help it and I just try to force myself to go to bed and nothing happens. I am a bum who can't accomplish anything. That's what I say to myself. He took me and carved into me and now I have to go through a second healing process. Why can't things just be normal for five seconds? Why did I let a fox into my house to come and play tricks on me? I made an effort and I made it a bigger effort and more and more I am being punished for the time that I decided I'd open up my heart. I shouldn't have done it when my insides were tender. I gave money I didn't have at a time when I should've kept it to myself. That's what it felt like.

I don't really see the point in anything unless it has to do with love

Okay so literally, the most awesome game of deception and cruelty ever produced by a mister David Morris. He had me fooled (which is ridiculously hard) sam fooled (insanely hard) I asked my therapist and my friends oh christ almighty. Nobody could've seen that plot afoot. I'm SO GLAD IT IS OVER. That is number one. Number two is I just had a perfect villain character literally just written for me. Oh my god I don't even think I could've come close to writing something so awful. He really took the cake. I'm excited. Ready for some real lovin'. Ready to have fun. I am about a week or two away from being completely done with rape therapy! I started eating the valentine's gift I bought for David last night. It tasted particularly sweet. I can throw away his cat calender (very debasing) and exercise watch (extra humiliating) and get that closet cleaned out. I'm so ready for a stress free love filled time. I'm ready to get deep in it.

Literally at this point I am having a harder time writing than I ever have. It's like I keep waking up each morning and thinking jesus Elyse, you are stupid and awful. I think I need to move to Ireland. The plan right now is California. Anyone else want to move to Cali with Sam and I? I have a group started already.

Every single day is a new piece of shit kind of day and none of it makes any sense. I got good days now instead of just bad. We're going forward and kicking ass.
I think I might grow my hair out?

I don't know what to do I made a big mistake. I am okay with mistakes sometimes but I am not okay with this one. I refuse to fuck up this badly and I did. I did and worse. I was duped. I don't know how I could've fucked things so badly. God I am heartbroken. I wish that I could kill myself properly.

I am honestly considering joining OK Cupid cuz my friend joined it and she is dating some jerk-off guy on there. Like literally, the dating scene in STL is terrible. It's either I date someone from my high school or deal with some fucking fat guy with glasses calling me "my lady". Point is, the current man I was "with" basically brought me down to the fucking lowest I've ever felt. He attacked me on all sides and let me in. I don't let anybody win the game. Hopefully I can still break his heart. But in the meantime, I really need to get my mojo back.
I hate him so much. Tromping on my feelings with steel boots.