September 20, 2013

  • exceptember

    When a girl masturbates it is equivalent to meditation. It is a good way to open you up to things especially when you are always feeling closed. It forces you to focus and find the heart beat that should lie at the basis of every day.
    I was lucky yesterday because I was given the opportunity to nap and that in itself is quite a lucky thing. Of course, I shouldn’t have been napping because I was supposed to be training this girl. She was tough like thick rich bark none of that dry crackly bullshit. She wanted to prove that everything was under control. That’s fine, I thought. That meant that I got to sleep.
    Would it be a vile thing to write my second novel in 1st person? It’s so much easier. I must not do it because the third will be in that form.
    The girl was on the phone the whole shift and called her friend to bring her food. It was odd. I spent most of the shift in pain and discomfort, looking for a way out. I sketched the outline of a comic and slept and blogged. If I had been alone I would’ve read and listened to music.
    When the person with the closing shift arrived it was a boy with glasses and I thought lucky me. I showed him my comic and he said “this looks like the day I had” and I didn’t really catch on that he was trying to tell me something else. Then he told me to check out all this white boy rap music as I feigned interest in hopes for free parking.
    When I left the main office I had to walk out in the pouring rain and guard my poor sketchbook as best I could. My half-eaten moccasins soaked up the rain and I was in the dark alone and feeling ecstatic. I made my way to the garage where I had Parked and couldn’t find my vehicle. It took a while because I had lost my sense or direction but I managed to eventually come across it.
    I drove Off and picked up my things and felt the relief that only a scared girl can feel. You will never understand it otherwise. It was the feeling of not owing something or being indebted or stuck, with your hair being pulled back as you grit your teeth and plow forward. I screamed into the night because I felt so utterly free.
    My roommate likes me and spends time with me and talks to me candidly about things occasionally and it is such a lovely honor. I soak up every part of this city like a bird taking a dust bath on the vast sands of a beach. Last night I took my medicine and felt incredible but took great pains to lay down properly. I watched the season premiere of ‘New Girl’ and let me tell you that show is gorgeous and funny and utterly perfect and I could not stop laughing. I was quite hungry because I had smoked and been busy all day so I went to my room miserable after a light easy meal and cooper said he was going to mcdonalds so I gave him money for fries and it was such a great decision. I watched girls and ate fries and fell asleep early at 11:30 or 12 and then at 3 am was wakened to the noise of neighbors outside which was quite loud. It sounded as thought they were in my room.

    I’d feel lucky but part of me knows I built all of this myself on my own tiger strength. In the meantime, I try not to think about Sam rotting away into chunks of meat with no direction, no desire, and no drive to find balance for himself-listening to the same few songs over and over again looking for answers in the cowardice of pure fear. Cooper told me he isn’t as close to some of his best friends anymore…most of the people I’m close to are still relatively new in my life. Maybe it’s just time for new best friends.