September 11, 2013

  • Several things have happened

    and I will attempt to document them.
    I am grossed out right now, with my body and what I'm wearing. The apartment is disgusting. My cat walks around the carpet and it smells like litter. I still need to clean the litter box. I am making thai coconut soup for myself. I have spent all my time yesterday sleeping. Then I woke up and cooked for myself and took a shower and went to sleep. I am still grotesque. I feel gross when I eat the popcorn and I don't know why.

    I went out a week ago and slept with someone I did not know. I was at a Matrix themed party and hardly anyone was dressed up. I bought alcohol for underage kids and talked with other underage kids. I hadn't quite gotten sick yet, but I was so close. I drank rose wine out of a bottle and I sat down next to Robert's friends and they told me that I was someone good to be around, though a prude. (I was at the time.) But now I have tattoos and I am cool, apparently. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and I fell to tears. Thus, when Sam offered me a drink when I made to leave, I couldn't say no.
    That's when he found me, this kid who was moved to see me. I told him I didn't remember his name and he looked sickly then. I apologized and made a good guess. He began to follow me and I saw the reflections of sirens. I sat down with him and we sat where some kid had thrown up, as the blond pointed out. I stood up and told him I had to leave. He asked if I could walk me home. I looked at him and saw that he was one of the few dressed in costume. If he were to walk home by himself in his stumbling state, he would be picked up immediately. I told him to come with me. Every few minutes into this walk he would push me aside and begin to kiss me and finger me. It felt good, I took him home.

    I did not plan to sleep with him. I wanted to put him on the couch but there were eyes already on the couch. I took him to the bedroom and he spent the night trying to fuck me. I was dry and he was not hard. I refused to get wet on principal-I didn't want my roommate to know I was fucking, or the boy on the couch, and I didn't know a thing about this kid. I always have at least a hardy conversation before a fuck to get me properly wet. I have had one night stands, but I knew all of them better than this boy, whose last name was still a mystery to me.

    I don't know why he wanted to fuck me. He said in the middle of it at one point "I love you." which I replied "What?" The sex would have been great if I had been ready. He is very passionate. I want to fuck him again.

    He left blood all over my pillows and my roommates towel and he took my shirt. He hasn't given it back yet, so I don't know what that means. I have his belt. I am going to keep it for the memory, as well as the bloody print on my wall which I neglected to wipe off.

    I slept with another boy, but this was planned. I got incredibly high with my roommate in the afternoon and then I walked over to Garrett's. He is someone I have always regretted not sleeping with, so when I saw him during my parking shift I asked him out right away. As opposed to the roughness of the other boy, he was slow and gentle and fucked me for hours. He begged me to stay the night with him but I left. I haven't seen him since, except running into him while I was on a date with my coworker.

    Whom I also slept with. He was the worst of the three. He was extremely nervous and scared. But it was very loving I suppose. I don't think about sleeping with him. But I see him all the time. I will be subjected to sex again.

    I dream at night about my Grandpa. He is going on adventures with me and his legs work just fine. We went and dug up a grave the other night and he showed me a beaded figurine that he found. It was from an Indian grave. He doesn't really speak to me in my dreams but we walk together. He is a good man to have around.

    I am going to do more drugs today. I really do appreciate this small adventure I have been given, but I see the temporariness of it. I smell it. I wonder if I can force my way into another society somewhere. Perhaps it is good to have a base of friends around to let me in. I need another chance.