Shouldn't I have a right to do that?
I can't remember a moment from yesterday except that I got dressed up all pretty and went to a show of haunted bands and haunted bands only. Circuit Des Yeux and Spires that in the Sunset Rise and Kyle's band and it was very chilly and I saw two black cats that night and drank a chai tea at some point as well as cranberry juice. Then we had to sneak out. I have great friends. Playing games with napkins on the table. Another two cats trapped in a bicycle store. Teasing them. Teasing you about where we were going. And then come back home and more friends. Friends everywhere. I am so lucky .
I never have sex with a boy I really like. Like not, pretending to like-as per usual.

When a girl masturbates it is equivalent to meditation. It is a good way to open you up to things especially when you are always feeling closed. It forces you to focus and find the heart beat that should lie at the basis of every day.
I was lucky yesterday because I was given the opportunity to nap and that in itself is quite a lucky thing. Of course, I shouldn’t have been napping because I was supposed to be training this girl. She was tough like thick rich bark none of that dry crackly bullshit. She wanted to prove that everything was under control. That’s fine, I thought. That meant that I got to sleep.
Would it be a vile thing to write my second novel in 1st person? It’s so much easier. I must not do it because the third will be in that form.
The girl was on the phone the whole shift and called her friend to bring her food. It was odd. I spent most of the shift in pain and discomfort, looking for a way out. I sketched the outline of a comic and slept and blogged. If I had been alone I would’ve read and listened to music.
When the person with the closing shift arrived it was a boy with glasses and I thought lucky me. I showed him my comic and he said “this looks like the day I had” and I didn’t really catch on that he was trying to tell me something else. Then he told me to check out all this white boy rap music as I feigned interest in hopes for free parking.
When I left the main office I had to walk out in the pouring rain and guard my poor sketchbook as best I could. My half-eaten moccasins soaked up the rain and I was in the dark alone and feeling ecstatic. I made my way to the garage where I had Parked and couldn’t find my vehicle. It took a while because I had lost my sense or direction but I managed to eventually come across it.
I drove Off and picked up my things and felt the relief that only a scared girl can feel. You will never understand it otherwise. It was the feeling of not owing something or being indebted or stuck, with your hair being pulled back as you grit your teeth and plow forward. I screamed into the night because I felt so utterly free.
My roommate likes me and spends time with me and talks to me candidly about things occasionally and it is such a lovely honor. I soak up every part of this city like a bird taking a dust bath on the vast sands of a beach. Last night I took my medicine and felt incredible but took great pains to lay down properly. I watched the season premiere of ‘New Girl’ and let me tell you that show is gorgeous and funny and utterly perfect and I could not stop laughing. I was quite hungry because I had smoked and been busy all day so I went to my room miserable after a light easy meal and cooper said he was going to mcdonalds so I gave him money for fries and it was such a great decision. I watched girls and ate fries and fell asleep early at 11:30 or 12 and then at 3 am was wakened to the noise of neighbors outside which was quite loud. It sounded as thought they were in my room.

I’d feel lucky but part of me knows I built all of this myself on my own tiger strength. In the meantime, I try not to think about Sam rotting away into chunks of meat with no direction, no desire, and no drive to find balance for himself-listening to the same few songs over and over again looking for answers in the cowardice of pure fear. Cooper told me he isn’t as close to some of his best friends anymore…most of the people I’m close to are still relatively new in my life. Maybe it’s just time for new best friends.

and I will attempt to document them.
I am grossed out right now, with my body and what I'm wearing. The apartment is disgusting. My cat walks around the carpet and it smells like litter. I still need to clean the litter box. I am making thai coconut soup for myself. I have spent all my time yesterday sleeping. Then I woke up and cooked for myself and took a shower and went to sleep. I am still grotesque. I feel gross when I eat the popcorn and I don't know why.

I went out a week ago and slept with someone I did not know. I was at a Matrix themed party and hardly anyone was dressed up. I bought alcohol for underage kids and talked with other underage kids. I hadn't quite gotten sick yet, but I was so close. I drank rose wine out of a bottle and I sat down next to Robert's friends and they told me that I was someone good to be around, though a prude. (I was at the time.) But now I have tattoos and I am cool, apparently. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and I fell to tears. Thus, when Sam offered me a drink when I made to leave, I couldn't say no.
That's when he found me, this kid who was moved to see me. I told him I didn't remember his name and he looked sickly then. I apologized and made a good guess. He began to follow me and I saw the reflections of sirens. I sat down with him and we sat where some kid had thrown up, as the blond pointed out. I stood up and told him I had to leave. He asked if I could walk me home. I looked at him and saw that he was one of the few dressed in costume. If he were to walk home by himself in his stumbling state, he would be picked up immediately. I told him to come with me. Every few minutes into this walk he would push me aside and begin to kiss me and finger me. It felt good, I took him home.

I did not plan to sleep with him. I wanted to put him on the couch but there were eyes already on the couch. I took him to the bedroom and he spent the night trying to fuck me. I was dry and he was not hard. I refused to get wet on principal-I didn't want my roommate to know I was fucking, or the boy on the couch, and I didn't know a thing about this kid. I always have at least a hardy conversation before a fuck to get me properly wet. I have had one night stands, but I knew all of them better than this boy, whose last name was still a mystery to me.

I don't know why he wanted to fuck me. He said in the middle of it at one point "I love you." which I replied "What?" The sex would have been great if I had been ready. He is very passionate. I want to fuck him again.

He left blood all over my pillows and my roommates towel and he took my shirt. He hasn't given it back yet, so I don't know what that means. I have his belt. I am going to keep it for the memory, as well as the bloody print on my wall which I neglected to wipe off.

I slept with another boy, but this was planned. I got incredibly high with my roommate in the afternoon and then I walked over to Garrett's. He is someone I have always regretted not sleeping with, so when I saw him during my parking shift I asked him out right away. As opposed to the roughness of the other boy, he was slow and gentle and fucked me for hours. He begged me to stay the night with him but I left. I haven't seen him since, except running into him while I was on a date with my coworker.

Whom I also slept with. He was the worst of the three. He was extremely nervous and scared. But it was very loving I suppose. I don't think about sleeping with him. But I see him all the time. I will be subjected to sex again.

I dream at night about my Grandpa. He is going on adventures with me and his legs work just fine. We went and dug up a grave the other night and he showed me a beaded figurine that he found. It was from an Indian grave. He doesn't really speak to me in my dreams but we walk together. He is a good man to have around.

I am going to do more drugs today. I really do appreciate this small adventure I have been given, but I see the temporariness of it. I smell it. I wonder if I can force my way into another society somewhere. Perhaps it is good to have a base of friends around to let me in. I need another chance.