June 25, 2013

  • I actually bought this xanga my senior year of college. I was still doing relatively alright back then. I'm not sure how things shuddered back into a downfall, but more and more as these days keep going by I am noticing how broken my head is and how broken I am essentially. I was using writing as a method of therapy in the olden days but it was working out perfectly in that I would have a day of okayness or badness or goodness and then I would write and the remaining bad harsh thoughts would get pushed out of my body into a silent place where they couldn't return. I would sleep a good full night and then I would wake up later not even wanting to get out of bed. The stuff that rests in my head now and burrows itself into my brain is very bad...to the point where I don't know how to deal with it. I am unsure how to handle anything that is happening to me right now...I can't really tell where I am or where I am going. But today I will not lie I got a little more organized and it was healthy and helpful for me. I went to visit my future roomie and we drove around in a car with his mom and looked at places. Love his mom, love the guy-great characters. Then, Chad and I went to Lou Henris and I found out the secret ingredients to lou's sauce. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, NOTE THIS: mayo, sour cream, and salsa. Use basic kinds. I am so happy with this secret knowledge because it means that I can make my own sauce. I can't wait to try it when I have my own real kitchen with all my supplies out and ready. I will probably stay up late and make secret sushi and lou's sauce all the time. I dream about it sometimes. I don't think I'll do it tomorrow (doubt I'll wake up in time for it) but I need to contact my school resources and figure out....maybe I can get an internship? Maybe I can also get a job through them? Nevertheless, I need to figure out how to become a resident here. That is most important. I tried to find the parking office today and I could not. I will apply online tomorrow. Bella Jolie's rejected me....but I feel as though it was a sincere rejection. And I understand. I applied to the Super 8 and to this EXTREMELY strange hotel with koi swimming around a mysterious girl who smokes cigarettes whom I am already in love with. The walk I took was so long and dark and sweet, and I feel like I was seeing so many familiar things and it was reminding me about stability-reminding me about happiness. I could be here quite a long time, I think in my brain-if I could get caught back up in the University. That is the key. I need school and I need proper training and resources so I can get a job that invariably won't drive me into a rut of depression. All these horrible circumstantial things drove me off my path, but is that really so bad? Will I regret this peter pan phase in my life (it certainly was the most difficult of all phases) but have I taught myself true bravery in the process? I wonder, now. Currently I am in my bed...waiting for Chad? He contacted me two hours ago and said he had to drop off his stuff before coming over. I do not know if he will come over. I feel like he is doing to me what Robert did to me....I am his Robert. Is that  odd? I am this sexy, mysterious, deeply heart dark thing that he hates but can't resist at the same time. It is a sexy bedtime story to keep in his diary, at least. I saw the guy at the bar across the street. I wonder if he waits there wondering if I'll show up again. I will go there and reward myself with a drink when I get my new job and or/place. Then maybe we can become even more acquainted.