I actually bought this xanga my senior year of college. I was still doing relatively alright back then. I'm not sure how things shuddered back into a downfall, but more and more as these days keep going by I am noticing how broken my head is and how broken I am essentially. I was using writing as a method of therapy in the olden days but it was working out perfectly in that I would have a day of okayness or badness or goodness and then I would write and the remaining bad harsh thoughts would get pushed out of my body into a silent place where they couldn't return. I would sleep a good full night and then I would wake up later not even wanting to get out of bed. The stuff that rests in my head now and burrows itself into my brain is very bad...to the point where I don't know how to deal with it. I am unsure how to handle anything that is happening to me right now...I can't really tell where I am or where I am going. But today I will not lie I got a little more organized and it was healthy and helpful for me. I went to visit my future roomie and we drove around in a car with his mom and looked at places. Love his mom, love the guy-great characters. Then, Chad and I went to Lou Henris and I found out the secret ingredients to lou's sauce. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, NOTE THIS: mayo, sour cream, and salsa. Use basic kinds. I am so happy with this secret knowledge because it means that I can make my own sauce. I can't wait to try it when I have my own real kitchen with all my supplies out and ready. I will probably stay up late and make secret sushi and lou's sauce all the time. I dream about it sometimes. I don't think I'll do it tomorrow (doubt I'll wake up in time for it) but I need to contact my school resources and figure out....maybe I can get an internship? Maybe I can also get a job through them? Nevertheless, I need to figure out how to become a resident here. That is most important. I tried to find the parking office today and I could not. I will apply online tomorrow. Bella Jolie's rejected me....but I feel as though it was a sincere rejection. And I understand. I applied to the Super 8 and to this EXTREMELY strange hotel with koi swimming around a mysterious girl who smokes cigarettes whom I am already in love with. The walk I took was so long and dark and sweet, and I feel like I was seeing so many familiar things and it was reminding me about stability-reminding me about happiness. I could be here quite a long time, I think in my brain-if I could get caught back up in the University. That is the key. I need school and I need proper training and resources so I can get a job that invariably won't drive me into a rut of depression. All these horrible circumstantial things drove me off my path, but is that really so bad? Will I regret this peter pan phase in my life (it certainly was the most difficult of all phases) but have I taught myself true bravery in the process? I wonder, now. Currently I am in my bed...waiting for Chad? He contacted me two hours ago and said he had to drop off his stuff before coming over. I do not know if he will come over. I feel like he is doing to me what Robert did to me....I am his Robert. Is that  odd? I am this sexy, mysterious, deeply heart dark thing that he hates but can't resist at the same time. It is a sexy bedtime story to keep in his diary, at least. I saw the guy at the bar across the street. I wonder if he waits there wondering if I'll show up again. I will go there and reward myself with a drink when I get my new job and or/place. Then maybe we can become even more acquainted.

 So what I did today
I did a job interview.....I was so hungover from the night before. I went on a walk after much convincing of myself. I went first to HAMBURG and I ordered spinach benedict eggs and a giant plate of fries and I couldn't do it.....I couldn't finish it too many calories in my heart? Nevertheless the hunger before was quickly qualmed and I was forced to face the face of so much re-poured coffee too much coffee she refilled it before I could drink a cup-stating some kind of fact about how the warmth goes away and to be honest I just wanted that fulfilling feeling of drinking an entire cup. I didn't get it. My stomach fluctuated to a different state. I became her hamster. I left and went for a walk. Walked long and through gnats, through a sweet looking band, through a river. I walked places and I saw people in exercise clothes and me in just headphones or whatever. I decided to come back to the mill and they said...we'll play game 7 for you. OKaY! I stayed and I talked to a mustached man. We talked about boring things we were too shy somebody was nervous there. I met up with a man who had worked in parking and RECOgNIZED me. On top of that, he had just won a hockey game so he was feeling good. I met a black man who I thought was gay because of cultural reasons, lots of money, a good haircut but he had a girlfriend. She was worried, anxious, she was scared. Don't leave the light on baby. I saw my EX walk through and he was so happy, in such a good mood with his gal and his pals and once I was the one there. They walked to see Cursive and I never saw them again. I was having a good time, had a shot bought for me and I walked on. Me and the two guys S(minus girlfriend) drove away towards a bonfire. Parking guy had coke and stories to TELL. He talked to me, I told the girls I met at the bonfire while dogs chased in circles, four dogs, in perfect circles, and the fire is crackling and screaming heat in my face while the moon is clouded and lightning strikes every few minutes. I can hear thunder afterwards so I know it's real. This parking guy is offering me a job. I don't push so he doesn't. He gives me more coke, in privacy. Takes me to the foxhead where I run into a guy I've met before who for some reason I give my number. I have it in my phone. He is in a band I saw in Austin. But he's from here. I buy my friend a drink. I leave for my apartment SO FUCKED UP I CAN BARELY MOVE. He watches me stumble away I insist it's alright. He thanks me for listening to his stories. I am on my game. I get to my place and throw up on my floor like  a DOG. I can't help it I go to sleep in a heavy state. I wake up and I have to go to a job interview. This is difficult. I am so wasted I drink and smell and taste like alcohol but I'm sure it's the coke that's brought me to my knees. In the meantime, Paul's girlfriend and him have broken up and I am now marriage counselor she asked me again and again what to do while I screamed at my heart to be strong. I needed it. I crawled to the interview and it lasted I tell you...it lasted an hour. I tried my best to captivate and to prove I'm there for this and that I'm the one. I did everything and then I left to starbucks to celebrate with a drink and the gal at the counter knew STL and had lived STL and we looked in each other's eyes for a minute. I went to a reading and I had that moment where I felt furious. NOT at society like I should've, but at the man I was fucking. I knew he was just a scarecrow and that he had no meaning. He was tearing me apart. So I took his clothes and packed em in a bag and thrust them at his door. and I went to the foxhead for a drink. Met a young man named scott and told him I'd get a tattoo by home. Met AGAIN marty and this millionaire professor. We talked about boxing he bought me a drink, marty and I talked about life things and it turns out millionaire prof stayed in Iowa because he found his true love and that he was just a man floating. I am not scared or swayed by millions of dollars. we had a great time talking about boxing and he bought me a drink I had many drinks bought for me. I am sitting here now typing this I will kiss again. Good night. 

There he was again, his spirit his eyes his balls were all David and I felt it and I saw him and I fell in love again. I won’t take the time out of my day to chase anything unless I feel an exciting, groping, love. I want so badly to find some buddies who are sick of the lies they sit around and stew in and want the truth and I love. I love that. I am really nothing but I am. I felt such love as I chucked that thing in furious anger, my hands shaking for a cigarette, praying and thanking god that for a minute or two I can feel such love in a world littered with moments where I feel nothing but at the same time proving to you that I am a smart woman I am a beautiful woman I am better than you’ll ever get and I am the kind of gal that people always hope they’ll run into but YOU are a satisfied little fuck who is so happy in your castle or reminiscing you are so happy in your tube of understanding and you are so happy with your sugary memories of someone who took your heart and callously fucked it. you didn’t even give me a CHANCE a SHOT a fucking moment where I could prove to you that I am a good loyal hard working goddamn truthful person. All you felt in your heart was fear and bubbling fear and fear and for that, I exclude you from the wolf pack you LIAR. You COWARD. You don’t even dream of stepping up to the plate because you already dreamed of the ball coming to slam in your face. You missed out, just like all of them, assuming your tastes and your knowledge and your desires were plainly softer and sweeter than any goddamn this boob-ridden vagina-ridden nonsense of a pair of eyes and freckles could produce. I know that I walk around and people see me before they hear me they fuck me before they hear me I am THAT. I pray every single day I can hide and become invisible behind words and people can realize, like MADDIE SAID TO ME ONE DAY “You are so DIFFERENT in your writings than you are in real life….” NO, no, no I’m not. You’re just BLIND. You never bothered to hear me in the first place. I could be a great philosopher I could be SOMETHING but to you I am a fun walk in the park that you’ll never appreciate or love just even as close….as I appreciated and loved you

Just sitting like a dog waiting for my computer charger to come in and hoping that I can finally have somewhere where I can lay my hands down and type. This has been so long for me. This has been too long for me. Writing is my own comfort and therapy in a world where I've entered to find myself invisible. It's my FAULT I keep moving and isolating myself and moving and isolating myself and making things fresher and tougher and fresher and tougher and I can't help but wonder how anything else could happen. This is such a blessing! I forgot about the freedom I had when I was staring at a white page.
Let's talk about a couple of things:
I need to keep a diary again because it is important to have things to reference.
So what happened in Austin.
This is a grueling month. This has been. May was. I know it is long ago but it still carries tire tracks of dredge on me. I can't be blamed but suddenly, all the people I started talking to started moving on!!! I watched as my therapist sold her house and casually started packing things into boxes. She's going to Austin. I watched as my friend made plans to head out to LA. I watched as one by one people's dreams started coming true-my coworker applying for a new position. And I knew it was time to leave. I could hear underneath me my neighbor plicking away at his acoustic guitar and I knew that I had fear and I had doubts and I had worries but at the same time-I've never had those things before. Why were they here now? Fuck the fear fuck it all. I have so many bad things yapping at my heals, I have dark shadows in my closet but I will tell you what, I knew for a fact as the wind was howling and slamming the windows shut-that I needed to hightail it out of St. louis. and I did. White rabbit. Free white rabbit. He wasn't going to be there this time to paste me on his shoulder.
Fuck the bastard.

So I went ahead and ended up jetting out of this goddamn place and made my way to Iowa. I rented the Uhaul myself. I contacted friends to help me load it and did half of the work myself. I did almost all the work. I was so exhausted that I lay down on the wooden floor afterwards and collapsed into sleep. Then I drove it down the next day. As I got there, my friend and roommate helped me move everything into the apartment. I went to drop off the uhaul. Then my friend told me we were leaving THAT night no exceptions. Why the fuck is this happening I howled. I was so fucking tired. I needed a break but I was not going to get one.
We drove to Austin like it was life or death, in the meantime I was getting threatening emails from my landlord and the exhaustion and stress with that combined put me in tears. Then we kept driving and driving and the rain was pouring and the only thing that made up for it was I convinced him to stop at In and Out and I tell you what there is nothing on this planet that could've made me happier. There I was, eating my sandwich and shake and california dreamin'. All the way, baby.
So we get to Austin and we're sleeping at his friend's place and we might have had a nice meal or two but the rest of the time, grueling and unforgivable. The first show we went to I was in a good mood, had some brews, then I asked him if he'd go out with me. The response?

"Let's wait and talk about this later"

We didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about it until 3 weeks later. I was discouraged, upset, pissed fucking pissed. So I went on alone that night. Drank a lot, enjoyed myself, met up with him later and repeat process. All in all, I talked to a bunch of random fucking people that you would never expect to meet at these things. I went alone by myself and got a tattoo of a horse skull which was fucking painful to get and the hilarious part of it was the guy asked me if I was okay and I started crying-NOT because of the pain of the tattoo but because I was mentally FUCKED in the brains. Then I met up with Andrew who used to be in writer's workshop. I enjoyed my time with him a lot even though he spoke a lot in "filler" and bored me when he talked a lot of the time. I stopped by the tiger baking company and grabbed a lot of tiger claws which are delicious. And I ended up doing cocaine the next night. I was approached by a man while I sat in front of the bathroom and he just gave it to me, inviting me to come to his giant hotel room later. I enjoyed the coke and then later, my unsuspecting ASSHOLE of a partner never had a clue that I was enjoying sex for the first time on coke. The night after that, I met a mexican who took me to a bar and treated me the most expensive drink I've ever had (and not paid for) which included tequila with a scorpion in it and it had a spicy spicy taste. I was glad to be so drunk and grateful but I will never see that man again.
We saw Bushwick Bill which my partner found inspiring (probably because of similar short statures) and I found to be a harrowing experience. During the performance, Bill had a hard on the WHOLE time. THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. This is not something I would ever consider to be enjoyable. I really honestly did not enjoy it one bit. I hope I never run into an instance like this again.
We raced back home and things have been rocky ever since. We had a talk recently and it turns out lo and behold that somebody is still just entirely stuck on his ex girlfriend. WHO WOULD'VE EXPECTED THAT? I guess the only way to get a man's attention nowadays is to put his balls in a vice and enforce how sorry you are when you cheated on him to the point where he believes it. What a gullible fuck! !! I can't wait for him to try and talk to me again. He's guaranteed that he'll help me move my shit when I move out, so that's all I need from him. Otherwise he can shove his dick where his feelings are. Speaking of, I still have his Bushwick Bill shirt. A good piece of apparel to remind me what a fucking boner he is.