Secrets secrets secrets secrets

All of my breakups here.
-I broke up with Maddie because she was seething with hatred and a vile person who likes to shut the light out.
-I broke up with Eric because he thought I was a sex toy, floozy,  always wanting anyone anytime
-I broke up with Sam so he can learn to grow up without me pushing him

I have finished my time in St. Louis. I don't plan to move back ever again. I have taken the time to write out all of my secrets for everyone and left this blog up without any privacy so people can learn what I have been trying to tell them. I hate having to explain myself over and over again but that's what it's come to. This is the last time I explain anything.

When I was in High School, I moved around from group to group and I sought a collective loving friendship. I found that and felt something I had never felt before. I felt real love. I found that I was able to feel that love more and more. I didn't know anything. I was naive. All I found in high school was something I had always felt in my stomach.

I don't belong here.

I had a crush on a boy in high school who I thought was cool. He didn't see me very much and tended to insult me when he did see me. A friend of mine told me not to pursue him so I heeded his warning and I did not pursue him. I went to college and my life opened up. I saw what real love and real friendship was, not some fake forced STL bullshit. (What highschool did you go to so I can judge you?) I came back because my parents required my presence at christmas and on christmas eve I was called up by this acquaintance from high school I used to have interest in. I did not want to come over but he insisted and I knew in my heart that he wouldn't do anything to me and in a few hours I knew that I was bad at predicting and couldn't predict everything as I was being raped in his bed. A second time I was taught.

I don't belong here.

I suffered for two years wondering what had happened to me until I went into the heart of the lion's den and my PTSD woke. I worked hard, did therapy, tried everything to make it right...
I've been trying to run from who I am in disgust at myself for years. Disgust and shame. But I know who the bad guy is now. Bad guy in the bad city. And I hate to say anything bad about therapy but as much as I healed, I did not truly feel color in my cheeks until I went to Iowa. So I am going to Iowa to stay. And then maybe Chicago and then California and then Osaka and who knows? But I am not going back to St. Louis. Not ever again.

I am not a lucky person and I wish I had never been born here but all of the people here who have tried to break my spirit (one after the other after the other after the other after the other after the other after the other) might be pleased to know that they will be exorcised as demons in my novels. If karma doesn't swallow you, then I will. The people I don't hold grudges against, you guys will be pleased to know that I'm not coming back. Layta gaytas.

Thanks but I need all the forensic files

The best part of life most of the time is when you wake up and realize you don't have a boyfriend, a dog to take care of, a kid, horrible taunting debt, deep imbedded trauma. EtC ETC.

I need to be more grateful for what I DO have. I am so lucky that I am going to Iowa next week. Iowa is the place I dream about when I wake up to a life of nightmares. I loved my college years because I was finally useful, happy, cute, pretty perfect etc. And nobody from high school, no STL stress lingered. It was heaven, it really was. I will see the ghosts from my pasts and learn to be a better scrooge.

I came to work with no clue that I had an early shift. I got off at 8 and I drove as fast as I could to Young's where my Mom met me. I told her I was miserable still and she asked me if i wanted to go watch Emily play during the weekend. I told her that I would. I'm supposed to hit with Dad on Friday at 11:30 am. I told her that I've never felt so awful in my life but I'm doing things to make it better. I think the most important thing is getting the shot. I watched Colbert with Dad and we watched a bit of the baseball game.

Recently something happened to me. I always gripe about how I learned Japanese instead of a useful language and how difficult it is to have dedicated a huge part of your life to something and got such little return from it. However, the other day an old Japanese man approached the desk and he was struggling with his English. He wanted a wakeup call . He couldn't think of how to say the room number in english so he said it first in Japanese. I wrote it down in English as he said it and he saw and his eyes got wide. And I told him I understood in Japanese and he was so excited he smiled and he fist bumped me. It made all the trouble I've gone to in learning Japanese finally worth it.