So it turns out I've had a sinus infection for like 4 months.

People are such disappointments all of the time. I am disturbed by myself when I complain and see myself having to complain about a situation that I cannot budge from. This is a desolate planet and you have to carve your way through the muck if you want to see any light. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of liars and weak people. I sit and I wait to see if I can have any members of my team appear but in the end it is easier to pull the sleigh myself. It is easier to struggle under the greatest weight of all and to be alone than to wait around for people to grow testicles. I am tired of the weaknesses that I find in men. Men are merely a mirage. The idea of their strength and their abilities is such a lie. They are merely corpses who feed off of women and wait for the right woman to show up so they can suck them dry of their strength. Do you have the balls to be a woman? It is the toughest thing because we actually work and we strive for change instead of just sitting around and hoping someone else will push us. Work hard to support husband, work hard to support friends, work hard to take care of animals and babies and grow living shit inside of us. Work hard to get up in the morning knowing that the earth is against us and that are friends hate us and men see us as feeding piles.
I am tired every day of waking up in this hell hole of a city. There is no worse place on earth than St. Louis. It is a city for weak people who feel nothing but happiness and desire to hide from the real world. This is a city for people who hate adventure. This is a city for cowards. I have met all the greatest cowards of my life here. They are so afraid to grow and change and move and to feel happy and to admit that they know nothing and they want to grow.
I was surprised by Kyle's spirit but in the end I knew I was stronger than he was. Every man I meet, I can sense his weakness like a wilting weedy flower. More and more I sense it. Only once have I been in the arms of a man and knew that he was a real man and that is bones were not trembling. He knew the value of hard work, he knew the value of raising a living thing and he knew the retribution of God. I continue to weed through a valley of cowardice and each boy is flimsier than the last. I stood up to a boy who was 10 years older than me, his hair growing white, and I told him what a child he was. Maybe he will forget about me right away but I will remember every single day how little he knew of life and how unwilling he had been to learn and move forward.

I'm so tired I can't do anything anymore