February 4, 2013

  • So I read Cosmo's account of people who have been in 3 ways and it was the most accurate and amazing thing I've ever seen. There was only one positive story about a 3 way and the rest were increasingly negative. There was even a story about how this gal had dated this slimy guy who brought his hairy buddy over and she just said no I can't I can't it was so fucking funny. And then there was one really crazy one about this guy who just sounds like the world's biggest douchebag. It was about how this guy had started dating this girl's roommate and one time he came over while they were drunk and forced the roommate (his girlfriend) to go down on this gal and she was not into it at all and he just started fucking the other girl instead of his girlfriend and then he started sleeping with her in secret and then he told his girlfriend "hey so I was just using you to get to your roommate" and then they started dating and then he broke up with her because he didn't want to commit to long distance.
    I feel like I know 20 guys like that.
    Anyway, 3 ways always make me think of Pierce Smith who is comical as fuck in my eyes. The last time I talked to him all he said to me was I want to have a three way with you and Tori. For Christs sake like we were pretty princesses he wanted to put on display or something. Like, man, you are such a piece of work (and such a mediocre writer). I am happy all the time that I never slept with him. It was fun to take him and put the yarn above his head for a while, but boy did he know how to make a woman just run off.
    The fun thing about past relationships is sometimes I actually can't remember what happened to make them end. There are some relationships I remember way too much about but some of them I'm like okay and then there was this space of time where we stopped talking and then I never saw him again. I have decided finally to curb myself and never talk about a boy that I'm dating again because it's kind of annoying every time I explain why I like a guy, why we're not meant for each other, and then why the tiger tail got cut off.
    Ohhhhh I was going to write about something else but I forget. What was it what was it what was it what was it.
    I got distracted because I was watching a 12 year old launch a hello kitty into space. Oh man, that was good.
    shoot, now I'm thinking about more important things than fun love things.
    I remember now!
    I read in Cosmo as well that this couple that were in a band together or something broke up and it was because the guy wanted kids and the girl didn't and holy christ that really creeped me out because I'm totally jonsing for a guy who told me he wanted kids but I'd rather die than give birth jesus christ. It's like there goes all the fun I could have in life, all the time I could spend learning and exploring and teaching and traveling the earth because I'm going to sacrifice it on a goddamn selfish little animal who could end up in jail for all I know or smoking weed in my basement all day. Plus, I'm white. The world does not need anymore white people. Oh god what if I give birth to Tosh.0? That would be the worst/ SUPER scary idea.
    I don't really buy that he wants kids but this is the way men work. They decide one day "yeah, I am going to have children" like they need to do it and it's an easy easy easy fucking decision. I can't just say "oh I want to give birth" like it's choosing a haircut or something. My body will get completely disfigured probably forever so I can spend months of holding a kid around and I can literally guarantee I will have postpartum depression and I do not want to live with screaming babies and dogs why oh why fuck the american dream.
    I seriously cannot think of one benefit of having a child. There are only negative aspects. Arguments within the relationship of those who take care of the child (what is the right way to do what) and then isolation from friends and family and work and then the fact that I will be a fucking fat loser who buys cheap clothes and cheap underwear and cheap things because that's all I can afford if I want to fund my fucking fat babies college and grad school tuition. Also, having to hang out with infuriating fucking "mother" people who spend all their time bragging about how they gave birth and they are raising a kid so they understand hardship and everything else more than regular women. Are you fucking kidding me?
    Pass on all fronts.
    And finally, life is depressing as fuck. Every single day is a goddamn struggle. It's a struggle to wake up. It's a struggle to get ready. It is not a struggle to make friends. It's a struggle to find a job. It's a struggle to find out what you're good at. Every single fucking thing is tough and hard and depressing and literally the only reason I'm still here on this planet is because I work my ass off to make it even remotely enjoyable. I still work hard every day. Do I really just want to spend my whole life working and working and working and then suddenly put a giant handicap on myself? Sorry, you have to dedicate your life to your child now. You have to dedicate all your love to your child. All the relationships you've ever worked so fucking hard to create in your life have to be sidelined forever so you can dedicate yourself to a selfish blob of skin who could turn out to be a mass murderer for all you know.
    Not that I fucking have anything against people who have had kids already..but do I really have to become one of those people to have a full life?